A Good Christmas

The fog tonight is unreal! I'm glad we're home for the night. Christmas this year ended up being wonderful I have to admit. We had a few rocky moments, but that's life right? I'm not looking for perfection in my life just a little less unnecessary drama and BS. Especially the kind that seems to role through here like a hurricane every Christmas. Not this year though thankfully, and I made out like a bandit with the gifts too :)

I already posted what my dearest so amazingly did for me :) (thank you Jessie) but my parents and brother also spoiled me rotten this year. My Mom and Dad got me some nice new clothes that are comfy and warm, as well as some plain t-shirts so I don't look like a bum walking around school. They also gave me an air brush starter kit which I am ECSTATIC about and can't wait to start using it this evening. A new baton that is gorgeous, some guitar strings and a new hamper for school that zips up and is on wheels to make it easier on me carrying my stuff to and from school :)

Overall an excellent haul for a kid that really didn't want anything for Christmas in the first place. Not because of anti-Christmas sentiment or a bah humbug attitude but because I know times are hard and my parents do a lot for me and I would have been content without for sure. Not to say I'm ungreatful for the things I did receive I'm just saying-appreciated but not necessary this year. I think I've hit that age where the glamor and excitement of getting material possesions at Christmas is losing it's luster-the spirit of the season (which I've recently rediscovered) is what I look forward to the most.

My Dad and Brother and I did some running around today and hung out which was great. We went to Al's hobby shop so I could pick up the other things I needed for my Airbrush and then did some errands for my Dad and had lunch at Great Escape. If you have not gone to the Great Escape on Irving just east of Manheim road you should defininltey go. AMAZING food and equally matched service makes it a favorite stop for our family when we can. Then it was on to Blick art supply in Lincoln Park for paint and medium and some other odds and ends then the bank and home. Overall a good day with my Dad, Brother and behind the wheel of my baby! A car that needs a wash sooooo bad, she looks depressed right now :(

I have a favor to ask those who do read this blog. If you could please click this link and frequent it once a day or whenever you can I would appreciate it. It's a link to my Associate content page. I get paid some dough per 1000 clicks and if you could frequent this and maybe even subscribe to it via RSS that would be most appreciated too. Got something YOU need promoted? Let me know and I'll do what I can. Here's the Link. THANKS!

Well it's off to clear some space and start experimenting with my new airbrush!

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Christmas Day

I just finished wrapping all my gifts this year. Mom and Dad made out pretty well I gotta say. Mom has a few more things to unwrap than Dad does but they are small tokens. I really hope they're pleased with what Eric and I have bought them this year. They told us to keep it small so we did.

I'm excited to open my gifts from my parents for sure. At the same time though I can't help but think about all the people lining up for food pantries or that will go hungry on Christmas because they can't afford food and are having a hard time even getting food from a shelter. I cannot believe that our great country is in such as a state as we are now. I'm hoping and praying things start to level off and then get better, it breaks my heart to think about all the people out of work and out of their homes this year.

It also makes me feel guilty for what I do have, and that in turn makes me even more grateful for them. I was sitting in church last night for the first time since Easter 2008, and was amazed at how much I miss going to that church. The service was beautiful as always, but what struck me the most was the sermon from our senior pastor. Pastor Henry worked his humor and heart warming sermon qualities just like he always does. This time it was about 3 siblings in a dollar store looking for 2 gifts. One gift for their Mother and one gift for their Father and both had to be purchased with just two dollars. It made me snap out of this trance I've been in and realize a lot of things all at once that overwhelmed me. I've been hit all day with a flood of overwhelming emotion from memories of a time that has come and gone. Most of them were good memories and feelings but at the same time many of them were bad. Still the story in the sermon last night made me realize that all the times I'm considering bad really were not that bad. I still have a roof over my head, warm bed to sleep at night, two parents who are still together and take care of my brother and I as best as they can. They both work real hard at jobs that often make their lives impossible for them and for Eric and me. I've always had food on the table on Christmas day and every other day of the year for that matter. I've longed for necessities only once in my life, and it was seriously the most difficult part of my 20 years of life so far. I made it through though, with the support of my family and friends and my faith that things could not stay as bad as they were. There had to be light at the end of the tunnel, there just had to be-I was not going out just then.

I'm looking at my current health issues and the current state of our economy the same way. There just has to be light at the end of the tunnel, I believe there is and it's not that far off. We need to stick together and hold out for that sweet escape of this dark and narrow path we have put ourselves on. I believe with all my heart things will get better and soon-I hope it's enough.

I am a pretty content boy these days aside from the health thing-even that does not seem like a big deal to me. I've got a lot of great things going on. I passed all my classes this past semester, I've got amazing family and friends, food, clothing, shelter, and Jessie. Looking back on the past 6 months with her and then even the time before that when we were not official I can't believe I was that guy. I cannot believe how out of control and immature and just utterly stupid and obnoxious I was about a year ago. I'm not saying that I've completly lost those qualities, but I really do feel like they are lessened. Hell, I'm on Prednisone right now and can honestly say I have yet to have an intense emotional epsiode, violent or otherwise. I can attribute my strides to the profound influence that Jessie has had on my life, and how she has shown me the ligth at the end of some of my tunnels, and a love that sprouted with her untieing my shoes to get my attention and that is now starting to form in to something tangible for both of us. I've said that I loved several girls I've dated with, and for the most part I meant it whole heartedly. There's only been one before Jessie to really sweep me away in to her world but even she cannot measure up to what Jessie does to me. I can honestly say I've had these feelings in my heart once before, but not this intense and certainly not this appropriatley placed. My baby gets me, she's always there for me, and never backs down. I can count on her to help me walk this path of life step by step and not abandon me when times really get hard and I go in to one of my health recessions. Even when I'm crabby or pissed off she doesn't go running scared, instead she lets me curl up with her and just doing that brings such a sense of calm over me I cannot describe it in words. The L word is coming, I know it is. 6 months has come and we're stronger than ever-that's gotta say something. I can honestly say without any doubt in my heart that the idea of her being the one does not scare me in the slightest. Instead it makes my heart light and gives me excitment. 6 months is a little early to tell if we will make it throughout everything that will be coming at us, but in all seriousness I can see us staying strong and staying together no for a long time at this point. Merry Christmas Jessica Rose <3 You are the best thing to ever happen to me, and for Christmas this year I am totally content with just having someone like you in my life as my Christmas present. The other gifts are nice don't get me wrong, but to have you as my companion-especially in my current state-makes me the luckiest guy on the planet. Again, that you for all that you do for me.

I'm sorry if all of that was sappy, I get emotional during the holidays and especially near 4am on Christmas day. I hope everyone out there has a Merry Christmas and Happy Hollidays across the board.

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The Day Before Christmas Eve

Today was an adventurous day to say the least. I braved the weather and traffic this morning to go pick Jessie up and spend the day with her. The drive out was not as bad as I expected it to be, but there were several white knuckle moments. I drew heavily on the intense experience I have gain over the last 3 1/2 years of driving, especially the 200 plus miles a week I was logging behind the wheel commuting the first two years of school.

I picked my dearest up from her house in the middle of snow stricken Roselle and we shot up to Woodfield so I could grab her last minute Christmas present. I bought her a tea pot, tea, tea strainer for the pot, and a new fountain pen so that she has a nice pen to write all her pen pals on :) I think the pen was my favorite gift I bought her this year.

The last picture is of the beautiful stationary that my family bought her fro Christmas to use with her pen pals or whatever else she needs to write.

She bought me some more of my favorite tea, a tea timer and made me this incredibly warm and soft scarf that is sure to keep my neck and chest nice and cozy under my coat for this winter and many winters to come.


I cooked dinner tonight for Jessie and my family and made the ever popular staple of tacos which turned out splendidly for having to be in a small rush. We ate dinner and dessert and had some conversation and then opened gifts and hung out for a while. Then is was back on the road to take her home. Thankfully my Dad offered to drive in his '94 Ram which is fully equipped with 4 wheel drive-which we ended up needing desperately on Lake street once we were off the expressway. It was 10pm and they were just starting to get plows out on Lake street. Coming back down Lake street was even worse, the snow seemed to pile up higher on the east bound side for some reason. On the way back my Dad's brand new wipers failed at life so when we stopped to get gas he had to make on the fly modifications to get them to stay on.

I'm home now writing this instead of in a ditch on the side of the road writing this. It was totally worth it though in my opinion, I needed to see Jessie before Christmas and I hope dinner and the presents helped ease her sadness and anxiety about not having her Dad home from little rock yet. I just checked the website and it says his flight arrived. I'm hoping and praying he's home safe with them.

I think I've reached the point in my life where Christmas has taken on a whole new meaning. Instead of the usual thoughts of presents and food I keep finding myself continuing my thoughts of appreciating and thanksgiving for what and whom I have in my life. A warm place to sleep at night, a reliable car, a great job, enrollment in an excellent school, awesome family who I cannot live without, good friends both new and those I've know 13 years, and a girlfriend who lights up my life with so many different things it's not even funny. I am filled with contentment this year like I have never felt before. When my mother demanded I give her a list of things I "wanted for Christmas" it took several weeks to come up with 3 or 4 items and even longer to come up with the 9 things I did eventually ask for. My main staple was a new baton which has already arrived and it is gorgeous. I got it from Newland batons, who's quality and service is excellent and I would highly recommend buying from them if you don't know about them already. Here is the link to their website. They do all custom orders but sometimes have some already made that are shipped out in just 3 days. Even my custom order took only a week to get to me, like I said: they have AWESOME customer service.

I am so looking forward to Christmas day. Sitting at home with my family, playing some video games and watching some movies and just generally being a lazy cat the whole day. Tomorrow too aside from 9pm service at church. Anyone else going to be there?

Cleaned All Day

So tomorrow is our annual Pizza Party with my Mom's side of the family. One of my best friends is coming but we consider him a third Son and he definitely counts as family-mostly because I've know him so long. Matt has had my back longer than any other of my friends. He helped build our house during the great 2 year rehab our family under took in 2004. I met him back when I was in cub scouts, which at 20 years old seems like so far away it's not even funny. Matt and I have been through a lot together, both directly and indirectly. And of course how can I forget him making the trip across town to Children's Memorial when my brother was there after the accident every single day he possibly could, especially days when I could not make it. I'm not sure if he reads this or not but I just wanted to take a minute out to thank him from the bottom of my heart for always being there not only for me but for my family too. One of my many blessings in my life is to be surrounded by people as genuine and awesome as Matt is.

Getting back to my title, I literally tore the house apart by myself today and got it cleaned top to bottom. Bathrooms, hard wood and tile floors, counter tops, tables, couches, TVs, dust collector things we put out on display, baseboards- you name it I cleaned it. On top of watching the market with the big news released today, managing all of my blog stuff, working on my on going project to get my room and life in order, talking with my dearest, debating with a friend about ideas, shoveling snow, helping my Dad with his Face book, helping with the groceries, oh and writing this post. I did a ton of stuff today and can honestly sit here and say I'm exhausted for good reason on Christmas break. I'm not complaining here mind you, I just felt it necessary to spell out exactly what I did today for my own sake-lately I've been feeling so lazy it's not even funny. I love being on break and really did need some time off of school, but unless I'm going 24/7 feel like I'm a waste of space....is that bad?

Anyway, I've got three days of work starting tomorrow and I am sooo looking forward to the little extra on my paycheck to help offset Christmas shopping. I didn't do too bad this year as I managed to get everyone bought for well under what I projected I would need to spend. But my savings account did take a slight hit, as I'm sure everyone's savings accounts did, and I want to put the money back.

If anyone is looking for a new CD to listen to (on my other blog I've got a more in depth review up) Saving Abel's new self titled release has been rocking my stereo the past few days. They sound like a little bit of Nickleback mixed with some Silvertide mixed with some Candlebox (according to the Zune review of the album). My favorite cut on the album among others is 18 days, I've taught myself to play it already. The album is good from start to finish as it does not lose it's momentum at all.

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Christmas Shopping Complete

It has been one busy but fun day shopping with my dearest. I have all of my Christmas shopping done with the exception of one gift! AMAZING! I thought it would be much harder than that. I also bought several more things for my room to continue this whole get organized and stay organized New Years resolution. Yep, that's right, I'm officially declaring on my blog my New Year's resolution: Get organized, stay organized, stay productive.

So far so good in all truth. My grades this semester came back as follows:
Band: A
Conducting: B
Music History: B
Psych: C
Lessons: A
Political Science: A
Vocal Tech: B
Classical Ensemble: Pass
Term GPA: 3.158
Overall GPA: 3.059

The C in Psych killed my momentum slightly but overall I'm pretty proud of my grades this semseter. Living on campus really helped boost my studies significantly and Jessie was a big influence too. She got all A's and B's this semester (SOOOO PROUD) and is really doing great as well. It's nice to have someone there to study with and push you when you really need some motivation.

After our massive shopping extravaganza today Jess and I returned to her house to cook dinner. We made a big salad and I broiled chicken and it turned out to be a delicious meal :) Afterward we had cinnamon rolls (the Pillsbury kind) for dessert and curled up on the couch to watch old Christmas movies from the early to mid '90s which brought back lots of memories from being small.

So my attempts to keep getting published every day on the web is continuing. If anything it's giving me good practice for writing papers for school. I just love the idea of putting something out there and actually attracting people to read it.

Now to bed for some well earned sleep :)

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So Here We Go

Day one of Christmas break has already come and gone, and even though it was cold and miserable outside I had a wonderful day just relaxing and hanging out with my Dad. I did get some things done around here though like starting the massive organization project I have going on in my room right now. I'm so sick and tired of being cluttered and un-organized and just generally a mess. I've found, as obvious and redundant as this is going to sound, that once I'm organized and don't have to think about where things are or remembering what to take everything becomes pretty much automated. At school in my dorm room I've set aside space for each day and keep everything I need for each specific day together, that way in the morning all I have to do is grab from that one space and go. Sure it takes some time to prep everything the night before and make sure that things are ready to go, but it's no different than getting my gym bag together for my workout or anything else for that matter. My goal is to do the same with all my junk here at home so that living between two spaces for the next couple of months will be a little less chaotic.

My Dad and I watched some Trick Shot Pool this evening and I gotta say it was pretty awesome. The game of pool is completely re-invented with Trick Shot and pretty much anything goes. I don't fully understand all of Trick Shot to be of any good with describing it to you but I will give it my best shot. Basically the player creates different shots using various props, a special set of pool balls, and different ways of shooting and using more than just the cue ball to get things going. For example one of the shots involved swinging the rack suspended from a tripod over the table and jumping 6 balls through the swinging rack every time it swung from left to right and sinking each ball in the left and right corner pockets on the opposite side of the table long ways. (I hope that makes sense). The shots were nothing short of elaborate and fun to watch, you definitely need a lot of skill and talent to pull off shots like these guys were cranking out.

Last night I decided to take on the endeavor of trying to blog for some sort of income. Seeing as how I have three weeks off of school I needed a project other than cleaning my room and eating lots of food and this was my solution. I'm looking for ways to make some extra dough without taking on a graveyard shift or adding any real serious obligations to my already overwhelmed schedule. With the way my health is right now too I don't need the burden of being employed somewhere that requires my body be in a specific place for a given amount of time. Besides Prairie Shore is good to me and I love working there, I just need a little extra something on the side. Something that is basically on my terms or at least flexible terms. So my first solution is to start blogging like a mad person, promote the living hell out of my stuff, join as many promotional and advertisement places I can walk my fingers and point my mouse towards. If anything it will give me good practice at writing original content and getting myself out there. It may be a long shot for sure but what else am I going to do for three weeks? I can only play so much video games and watch so many movies. If by the end of this wonderful break I'm on there is not a slight return on my efforts than I may just abandon the whole make money thing and just blog my heart out anyway-it's an addiction that I think is healthy. I've got some ideas I came up with this morning on meaningful blogs that have pretty much unlimited blogging potential if I'm smart about it. So far my first one has some kinks but I think with a little more time devoted I can work it all out.

My health remains unchanged and I apologize for the lack of information for those who want it. Due to the craziness of the end of the semester I had put off getting things taken care of with my liver specialist but finished up this past Saturday. Now I'm waiting on him to get my liver slides and review them and then call me and tell me what I have going on inside my stupid and totally inefficient body. I really do appreciate all the continued support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers.

Finally for tonight: a rant. I HATE Prednisone with a passion! I have no idea whatsoever why athletes would put themselves through steroids. Honestly the effects on my muscles are insignificant versus the nasty side effects and extreme hunger that is steroids. I have been so constantly hungry for the past month, and yes managed to get my weight down and keep it down, but still-I'm sitting here writing this feeling so hungry that I'm almost sick even though I've polished off a whole apple and 7 breaded mozzarella sticks myself. For some reason my usual just ignore it tactics are not working tonight and I'm climbing the walls. Just 3 more months and I'll hopefully be weaned off of this nasty stuff. Any athletes reading this and considering steroids or currently using steroids I think you're completely nuts and probably should get psycho evaluated and medicated. No offense.

If anyone knows of a way for me to land a position blogging professionally please give me a heads up-I would really appreciate it.

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Why I Love My Zune (review)

A REVIEW
On the Microsoft Zune

I'm going to take a break from rants, health updates and all the various other nonsense I put up on here and make my first serious review of a product and put it out on the interwebs.

I recently purchased a 120 gig Microsoft Zune from Newegg.com for the grand total of $259.02. The 80 gig is the same price for those that feel they don't need that much room. I always like having the option of keeping all my music with me at all times because I really only have things I listen to regularly in my library-with the exception of Christmas music.

The Ugly:
I'll start off first of all with the things I think are negative about the player. Please do not let this cause you to write the Zune off just yet.
First of all there is no clock on the thing at all. Which is not necessarily something I need but my IPOD and Creative Zen Vision M had one along with an alarm clock that was handy for those excursions I was not able to bring my cell phone along for. I know what you're thinking "just get a watch!" believe me I'm working on it.

The touch pad can be a little, well, touchy. It's a little over sensitive at the times you need it to be the least and under sensitive at the times you need it the most. I've owned my Zune a month now and have yet to master the sensitivity of it-but it's not impossible to handle it can just be cumbersome at times.

Battery life is lacking slightly. I wish I got a little more than 2 hours continuous playtime out of it, but then again this is a gripe I have with the current battery technology used in these devices. I'm no expert and certainly not smart enough to come up with a solution by any means-but this is something to keep in mind.

The Zune turns off in a funky way. You have to press and hold the play/pause button for 3 seconds to get it to turn off. This doesn't seem like it would be that big a deal right? Well if you don't press the button down with even pressure and firmly the back light will go off but the unit stays on. At the same time it may start playing again and then will not turn off at all. I've had my Zune sitting in my coat pocket, playing for no one only to bring it out of my coat pocket with a dead battery.

Charging is quick though. About an hour gets you a full battery when charging via USB cable from your computer.

No wall charger comes with the Zune, you have to order it separately. This is not a big deal for me however. I bought a wall charger for my Creative Zen and used it twice I think. Charging via USB cable from my laptop or desktop is just much more streamlined. I charge my phone the same way, I don't even know where my wall charger for my phone is.

The covers for the ear buds are a little cheap. I lost the first pair of three that came with my ZEN simply by sliding my ear buds in and out of a pocket. I super glued the second pair of three to them and every thing is fine now. Yes, that's right, super glued.

The coloration of the items is not the most asexual. I mean that in the least sexist way possible and simply from a review standpoint. If you're comfortable wearing hot pink ear bud covers (like I am) then this obviously is not a problem.
The artwork that comes along with the Zune by default on both the unit and the player are interesting and cool but not the most asexual thing either.

The Zune player requires all of your windows updates to be installed and your windows updates be continuous in order to install and run. This was a major problem for me when first starting out as I had disabled my windows updates due to consistent problems and system crashes after they happened. 6 hours worth the downloads and restarts and I was finally in business. My advice would be before you go to the store and buy a Zune do every single Windows update out there, and if you order if the net and have to wait for shipping do your windows updates then. It will save you a lot of time and headache with the install further down the road.

The Good.

First off it comes with everything you need to get started and it's all heavy duty stuff. The USB cable is thick and flexible and is plenty long enough, the covers for the contacts snap securely on to the USB cable and do not come off unless serious effort is put in to it.

The headphones sound amazing, even though they are ear buds. I've seriously never heard a pair of ear buds that sound this good no matter what the volume. Even blasting they barely clip or cause any other kind of problem.

The interface is extremely easy to use both on the unit and in the player. The navigation is simple and streamlined. Ipod users beware it does take a little adjustment at first-but I find it to be much less tiresome to use than an IPOD.

Syncing is done automatically or manually. I leave mine in automatically because the Zune player is constantly updating album art and info and when the Zune unit is plugged in these changes are reflected automatically on the player. Likewise anything you remove from your library and or the unit is kept up to date with zero effort from the user. Something I found to be a daunting task with both Itunes and Windows Media Player. Nothing was consistent in my library until I bought my Zune.

It's rugged and tough. Obviously any electronic that falls in to a toilet or flies from a fast moving vehicle probably doesn't stand a chance. I'm not willing to try either of those examples on my beloved Zune, but something tells me it would put up a good fight. The unit is very solid in your hands and just the right size, shape and thickness to hold easily.

The shuffle feature is amazing. I rarely have to skip through tracks in my play lists or artists-my Zune seriously seems to know what kind of mood I'm in and plays music specific to that. I have a friend who has had her Zune for quite a while now and she says the same thing.

If you are a current Itunes user and are worried about your music switching over, the Zune will read and PLAY your Itunes music without a problem. This has been tested extensively and there have been no problems.

So.....
Overall I give the Microsoft Zune a 9.5 of out 10. The small problems with it are just that: small. This is surely the new Ipod killer. Apple has nothing on Microsoft when it comes to MP3 players.

I hope this review was helpful. I also hope that I didn't offend any die hard Apple users. Personally I think Apple is a big waste of time and money but I can see why people are loyal to them as well.

Done, exhausted. Bring on the break.

Semester one of Junior year can officially be checked off the to do list of my life. It's been a grueling and exhausting 20 weeks and I am so glad to finally be at the holidays and on a nice long 3 week respite. So out of all my grades I only have two finals to report. The first is a Pass in my non-credit classical ensembles (Clarinet quartet) which is nice but does not count for very much. The second is a true milestone for me: an A in my private lessons! This is the first time I have ever seen anything higher than a B on my grade report for my clarinet lessons, and it feels both amazing and hard earned. I can honestly say that I have worked my ass off this semester on my Clarinet and really feel like I deserve an A. From the time and energy I have devoted to wind ensemble, to just about having my jury piece memorized-it feels sooo good to see that A. My jury performance was not perfect by any means, don't get me wrong. But it was much more solid and I felt much more confident standing on that stage than I ever have before-leaking ceiling included. The rest of my grades are still up in the air, so hopefully by my next post I will be able to report positive results for the first half of Junior year.

My health continues as per last update unfortunatley. With finals and juries and moving out and all of the other end of the semester stuff going on I really have kinda put my conditions on the back burner. I've continued to get in the gym every day but today this past week for one to two hours burning 800 calories consitantly and lifting weights. My weight has leveled off at 190 for right now, not bad after Thanksgiving and a week of a bad chest cold and no excercise. I can honestly say, aside from being tired, that I feel strong and healthy and hopeful still. The fax I have been waiting for is finally waiting for me at my place of employment and I am going to sign it and fax it right back first thing when I walk in tomorrow. With the holidays coming this could be drawn out even longer, so strap in with me guys-this is going to be a long haul. Even if I did not have school going on I have a feeling this would take just about as long as it is right now.

Jess and I are coming up on an amazing 6 months and we celebrated yesterday with an adventure to woodfield mall for some shopping and dinner at the cheesecake factory and a relaxing and nice evening back at school. My mother said it best-I have got a great partner in her. Call me optomistic but I really see a bright, loving and succesful future for both of us together. I know there will be hardships, struggles, fights and everything else that comes with the terriotory we're skirting around right now-but for the first time in my life and out of all the "relationships" I've ever been in-this feels strong and real. There's very very little doubt in my heart and head, there's no tenseness or awkwardness. Our lives are becoming intertwined and it's only made us stronger. I cannot wait to see what life has in store for us!

This next week is going to be a relax, recharge, and reorganize week for me. A drive up to Gurnee to see my Great Grandmother and spend some time with my Father, room cleaning and lots of video game playing is on my agenda and I can't wait to not have to get out of my PJ's for a couple of days this next week. OH! If anyone reading this knows of a store that I can go to and find a backpack on wheels please tell me. I need to get my heavy as F**K backpack off my back before I need surgery for a new back. I don't want to order off the internet because I'm picky about my backpack selection-i.e. I want to go in to a place and open all the zippers up and make sure that it's big enough and all that.

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Oh. No! Mom, I'm sorry.

Before everyone freaks out this is not about my liver condition. Things are unchanged still, I will post more info as I get it I promise.

Instead this is about a huge oversight I made in regards to my thank you post I made a while back. I mentioned a lot of important people in that post-my dad, brother, darling girlfriend etc. But I forgot one very important person to thank and talk about and that was my own Mother. How could I miss her? of all people? We've had some disagreements in the past but she's always been there for me when I needed her. She's always taken care of me when I was sick, she would take off work when I was younger and went with me for my tests when I was diagnosed with Crohns disease. She's helped bail me out of countless situations where I could have gotten in a lot of trouble. How could I have done this? I'm probably the world's worst son in all seriousness and I feel completley and totally horrible.

I'm so sorry mom from the bottom of my heart. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or make you feel left out in any way. That post was literally a flood of emotions and I honestly have no idea why you didn't get a paragraph like the others did. I did have something to write about you and I have no idea why it didn't get typed in. Just please know and understand I didn't single you out and decide consciously not to put you in that post.

To Mom:
Thank you for always being there no matter what. For always taking care of me when I was and am sick. For always giving me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to talk to. For cooking me dinner. For staying up with me all night working on my science fair projects because I procrastinated until the very last minute. For helping me write those tedious papers and work on all those projects and keeping me working and motivated through it. Thank you for pushing me to practice my Clarinet when I really had no desire to. Thank you for listening to me complain about Walgreen's when I would come home at midnight and have to get up at 5am the next morning to make school on time. For coming in to check on me to make sure I'm awake and ready for work. For coming to all of my concerts, especially the ones that made your ears hurt. For loaning me cash when I needed it. For driving me all over the city trying to track down something I really wanted and then later helping to pay for it once we found it. For always forgiving the stupid things I say and do or have said and have done. Thank you for letting me drive all the time when I had my permit-I attribute the massive amount of time behind the wheel when I first started out to my driving skill today like none other. For supporting me when I wanted to play basketball in grade school-even though I mostly sat on the bench. For putting up with my bad attitude, and having patience with me when I'm on the roids. For going to bat for me with my father on certain issues, and having the patience to listen when I went to him first. For buying me McDonalds even when you would have rather consumed anything else. For always making opening Christmas presents exciting knowing that you would pick up things I never asked for but knew I would like anyway. For doing my laundry every weekend without me even asking. And for anything and everything else I've missed. Thank you. I love you very much Mom, and I'm so sorry I'm such a stupid male and have hurt you.

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3 days out, bring on the break

Things continue to move like clock work, even though this week seemed to drag on and on. I'm all caught up and ready to go in my classes and cannot wait to get the finals over and done with-not to mention my jury which is going to kick ass this year no doubt. I'm not even that nervous about anything going on next week, surprisingly not even my jury-which is usually an extreme source of anxiety for me this time of year. I really have no other explanation for my confidence this year other than I've worked very hard at it and honestly have given it my everything. I really like the piece I'm doing which always helps, and making the Wind Ensemble this year has proven to myself that I can handle being a musician. This is what I love to do and teaching music is the only thing I can see myself doing for the rest of my life.

Right now I'm sitting in our student center waiting for my dearest to get out of her last German class for the year, hoping that I will keep my food down this afternoon. I woke up this morning with my Crohns acting up, my chest cold continuing although subsided for the most part, and total exhaustion taking over my body and my brain. Tomorrow after work I plan on coming home, changing immediately in to my pajamas, making some tea and sitting on the couch under a blanket to watch tv with my father before and after dinner. TOTAL VEG NIGHT? I think yes :D and possibly some long distance video games with the brother if he's around.

As for a liver problem update I really have nothing to tell you all. There is really no new news to post here. I have not honestly had a chance to get the ball rolling with getting my slides transferred or make phone calls or anything. My health always picks the dumbest times to give me hell, and right now school has to come first. Next week I will have plenty of time between tests and my Jury to make phone calls and get all this together for after the new year. I'm still going strong aside from being totally exhausted from all this work and such so no worries here. Again thank you to all for the continued prayers and support.

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It may be cliche but I need to put this up

I've spent a lot of time today sitting in my room thinking about all the amazing things God has sent to me over the years. Opportunities I've both missed and taken advantage of, people in and out of my life, people that have been steadfast in their loyalty, trust, respect and just overall love that never ceases to amaze me. It means a lot to me knowing I have friends and family that are willing to do anything for me, it humbles me and helps keep me centered and focused in so many ways. My drive for success and how hard I do work is not just for me in all honesty, behind all this momentum I have generated are the people that push me every day-the people I absolutely cannot let down under any circumstances. That kind of pressure ordinarily would cripple me, but lately its been my source of incredible strength, steadiness and drive. When I came home 2 weeks ago and had to tell my parents I was sick, there was nothing they nor I could do to fix it, and that I will most likely need a liver within 10 years-that was honestly the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. Seeing the look of immense fear and frustration on my Fathers face was painful to watch. I wanted to shout April Fools! or crack a joke or something, anything to make him stop that. I felt like I had let him down in some way, that my condition was not only crippling my fragile and unwritten future but also his in some way. In all reality he was simply feeling a sense of complete helplessness within the situation. He wanted and still keeps trying to come up with ways to fix this for me, to take all this suffering and pain and hardship away from his Son.

My Father is surely one of those people I absolutely cannot let down. Not with my health, not with my school work, my music, and certainly not with my future. My Dad has literally been through hell and back for our family, he works his ass off at a job that no one else really cares about, and when it comes right down to it I know my Father has my back no matter what. He has always been there for me and my brother, even when working those crazy ass shifts when we were little, he always found time for us. I'm not just working out and taking care of myself, I'm doing it for him too. So he can see me grow up and become a man-I only hope I can be the kind of man he wants me to be.

My brother is seriously my best friend in the whole world. He's at the top of the list along with Jessie and Tommy. I've watched him fight for his life and literally pull himself up out of a hole by his own will. He came back to us from a 2 week long drug induced coma, and even though I find him strange sometimes seeing that kind of strength in my brother changed something inside of me for the better and for good. I'm not doing this just for me, I'm doing this for him too.

Jessica. Where do I even start? You continue to amaze me every single day. The support and encouragement you have brought to me over the past almost year has been stronger and more life changing than anything I have ever experienced. Just knowing that someone who is as gorgeous, sexy and wonderful as you is behind me and believes in me gives me more power than I know what to do with sometimes. I've said I love you to two other girls in my life and meant it whole heartedly but honestly never felt anything in return from it. No one has ever stared me in the face with courage and determination and snapped me out of my trance. No one has ever had to guts to stand by me when times got hard like this, at least not to this extent. You always seem to know what to do or say to make me snap back to reality and get back on track. Your hand is always there for me in my moments of total weakness and disparity, and you never forget the person I am outside of those moments-even when I completely lose sight of it.

Julianna has also been an amazing help this semester. From getting up early as hell to go with me to work out, to keeping me focused on the music history encounter and not on being pissed off, to just making sure I know I have friends around. The more we talk and the more I get to know you, the more I like you J for serious. You are an awesome person and incredible musician and I really hope we stay in touch after college.

To the rest of my people. My family at church, my friends at school, and my friends all over the globe thank you. Thank you for your support, words of encouragement, and just words of kindness. It comforts me very much knowing I have you all behind me.

Tonight the Turkey and food was spectacular and as I was sitting at the table scarfing down my third helping of all the delicious food I could not help but feel not only content with my life but also like I've found a grove. I've found my rhythm and know what I have to do. I can only describe it as feeling like a frieght train. Once I really get rolling its going to be impossible to stop me, and believe me I'm rolling. I've already come down 10 pounds and continue to lose the weight-granted most likely not this week because of the holiday. My plan continues steady though, I will lose this weight, I will keep it off, I will bring my body fat percentage down so that when I do indeed need the liver I can be sure I've done all I can to make the procedure a success. I WILL NOT FAIL. I can honestly promise every single person in my life that I will not let this get the best of me, certainly not without a fight. If I'm going down in 10 years then I'm gonig down swinging as hard and as fast as I possibly can.

I seriously am surrounded by the finest and most inspiring people I could possibly imagine. You all are so wonderful and I am thankful beyond measure to be so blessed. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

hang tough.

Thank You Thank You Thank You

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to take a moment and post my most sincerest thanks and let you all know how much I appreciate the kind words of encouragement! I'm always a little apprehensive about talking about my health problems because I know there are people far worse off than I am-but at the same time this is a very easy way to keep everyone concerned as up to date as possible.

Again Thank You for all the support, thoughts and prayers. Life is never an easy journey as I'm finding out first hand right now. My spirits and resolve are high though and I'm not going to give up, nor am I going to take this sitting down. My efforts will continue to get my body in to shape, keep eating better, and gain as much knowledge about all of this as possible. As my private Clarinet teacher said in an email to me this morning, medical technology is going to change drastically over the next ten years. Most of my hopes are riding on that thought, that some day soon there will be much more information available about the conditions I have and maybe even a cure. I'm still going to continue to be realistic and keep my head level and take one day at a time, just in case a cure never does come along.

I love you all!

SO HERE'S MY LIFE

This morning's appointment was both productive and discouraging. I most likely have a condition called Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis or PSC. PSC is a disease that goes hand in hand with my auto immune disorder and more specifically my Crohns and colitis. There is no known cause or cure for this condition. To sum up all the medical jargon: the bile ducts leading away from my liver are inflamed. They are inflamed because my immune system is attacking them for no reason whatsoever. The bile ducts will scar further which will cause my liver to gradually get more sick over time. This will eventually lead to complete liver failure. The doctor I saw today, who was awesome, gave me 10 years before I need to have a liver transplant. Not the greatest evalutation-especially at the age of 20. The good news is the survival rate with this condition is very high, and my doctor seemed very confident that I'm going to be okay. He layed out some tests that I need to under go within the next couple of weeks, and had a very positive outlook on my overall treatment. However, this is all a preliminary diagnosis at this point; there was a problem getting my records to his office. He is going to lock everything down and give me an over the phone evaluation within a week or two and we will go from there. I am going to continue fighting, I've made it this far and there is no reason I should give up now.

I have to admit keeping a positive attitude about all of this is very hard, but I'm trying to be a good boy. My Jessie was simply amazing today like she always is. I hate leaning on her so much, but my moments of weakness are almost impossible to avoid right now. I'm working on it though, very hard.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE SICK! I'M A MUSIC EDUCATION MAJOR!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Eve of a Big Day

Today is the eve of my big day tomorrow and I am admittedly a little scared. The news that I receive tomorrow will affect the rest of my life in many ways-even if the verdict is not liver transplant. If the answer is not liver transplant, my medications will again switch for the third time since I've been diagnosed with Crohns and Colitis- a transition that will more than likely be rough.

I've been proactive with my situation though, more so than I ever thought I would be. I've hit the gym just about every day for the past three weeks, I've changed my diet and cut down my caloric intake which has yielded a 10 pound loss in 2 weeks-something hard to achieve while taking steroids. Drinking tea, especially the rooibos, has helped a great deal too. Thanks to my dearest for getting me hooked on teas :)

It's amazing how exercising can drastically alter just about everything. It has given me more focus, more stamina throughout the day, a much more level head, helped keep my emotions and aggressiveness under control-another thing that is almost impossible under the influence of the prednisone. I'm attributing my hopefulness for tomorrow to several factors, one of them being the exercise and accomplishments I've been able to make in a short amount of time.

The most important and influential factor in my life and my outlook on tomorrow is my Jessie. She has been unbelievably wonderful, supportive, understanding and is just amazing in every single way. This past week, when I've had time to think or even when I'm zoning out in class I've been counting my blessing and being thankful for all the wonderful things in my life-a week early I know but it seems to fit right now. Jessica Rose Perham is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. She has taken me places and helped me through things I never thought would be possible. Complete change takes time, and having someone with such patience and kindness to calm my insides, and quite the noise in the back of my head is truely one of the greatest blessings in my life. She's the woman of my dreams and continues to amaze me ever single day I wake up and kiss her a good morning. I've never ever had someone stand next to me through anything outside of my family like she does. Someone who doesn't run away scared when I have my moments of anger or when I'm feeling weak. I've never had someone wrap her arms around me and tell me it's going to be okay-and I believe her. I trust her more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. We make each other stronger, we support each other in every single way. The amount of time and energy we put in to our relationship is enormous, but it's not without great reward. I seriously do not know nor want to think about where I would be or how I would be without having her in my life. Without her support, live, caring and sweetness I honestly believe that I would not be as well off as I am right now-all things considered. Once again Jessie, thank you so very very very very much from the bottom of my heart for being my rock, my voice of reason, and my angel. (Yes I know I typed LIVE out instead of LOVE. It's our in between word. we're past being in like with each other but still on the cusp of being in love with eachother so we compromised :) )

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WEEK TWO DOWN, 14 MORE WEEKS TO GO

Today marks the second week on Prednisone and I'm feeling pretty good actually. Working out vigourously most days has helped a whole lot, along with having someone here who isn't afraid to stay with me and realizes that when I'm crabby or angry or upset it's not necessarily a natural response to a situation for me. The steroids are nasty, even with a low dose like I'm on now I have mood swings, periods of extreme depression and all kinds of other stuff that makes it really hard to stay emotionaly level. I finally have someone in my life, other than my parents, who understands this whole situation, has enough patience to sit with me and help me through this, and not abandon me. Of course I"m being proactive in recognizing these rough times, and talking to her about it, and doing things like working out and trying to keep my mind off of the whole situation-which is also helping. It really does feel go to not have to worry about being abandoned anymore, I feel safe here for sure. Jessica, you are amazing and truely one in a million. Thank you so very much for everything you've done for me. I have got Tomorrow marks the one week countdown to see the Liver Specialist and find out exactly what the flying hell is wrong with my liver, and hopefully it will be something easy like getting off this freaking medication.

I'm down just about 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I weigh myself every morning before breakfast and hit 187 this morning-down from 197 2 weeks when I weighed in at the doctors. I weigh myself periodically throughout the day as well and notice my weight swings at least 10 pounds upwards each day, which I find really strange. I thought weight loss and gain were a more gradual of processes, but apparently not. The elliptical is my friend for sure right now, it works your legs, glutes and core really hard which is also surprising to me. Once I get my weight down to 175 (hopefully another two weeks) I'm going to start a weight training regiment as well-which will help power through calories. I don't want to be ripped or like Governor Schwarzenegger or anything, but I could definantly enjoy having more physical strength because it will help with fatigue throughout the day.

The only class I'm having trouble in right now is Intro to Psych. With a teacher that told me straight to my face that she doesn't care about the class, but still expects me to give her 110% with my class work, makes it increadibly hard to focus or do anything productive for the class. I'm going to pass it though, I refuse to take it again.

Time to practice conducting.

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Another Week Down

It's been another long week, and as Jessie snoozes on the couch next to me I can honestly say Thank GOD it's Friday. This week was by no means any more difficult than usual, it just seemed to take forever. Things continue as per last update. I'm still taking prednisone, still watching what I eat, still hanging in there. I have an appointment with another doctor on the 21st of November and have received all the paper work I need to fill out and send back before my appointment. This Thursday I need to go get blood work done. Papers due, tests coming out of my ears, performances and juries, AHHH! So much to do, as I'm sure everyone else has as well.

Crashing at the girlfriend's parents house tonight and tomorrow we have the president's inaguration at my college. Then work Sunday, and back in to the school week. I seriously can't wait until I'm out in the real world and acutally have a Saturday and Sunday where I'm not working. Of course who knows if that will indeed happen when I'm out on my own, but I can hope-right?

This morning I worked through my first serious cardio workout in a long time. It felt good to actually be burning fat/calories but at the same time made me feel shak and sick. It will get better as I continue to stick to this routine, and having J come with three days a week along with the walks dearest and I take is helping keeping me motivated. I'm monitoring my caloric intake with an online journal and just really watching what I take in, although some days I'm a better boy than others. It's time, I've let my health slide for too long, used my condition as a crutch and an excuse for too long. It's time to get my butt in gear for my sake, and for Jessie's sake.

A cold night in is feeling sooo good. I'm actually going to try and get some homeowrk done while we sit and relax, with no pressure to actually get it done-I just want to get something done at all before dinner and a moive with Sweet Pea. Psychology Paper, HERE I COME!

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My Thoughts on the Presidential Election 2008

First off, as always, these are my opinions. I own them and own up to them 100% without question. That being said this is NOT a personal attack on anyone or anyone's beliefs-these are mine please be respectful as I will towards your beliefs.

Last night was a huge moment in history without question. We witnessed the first presidential election that was multi-racial beyond the usual melting pot of American society. This is a GOOD thing. One of the things so far that has pissed me off are black people saying that Obama is not "black enough." Are you people all serious? Really? First off I refuse to accept all this whining and crying over the segregation and inequality in this country when YOU yourselves are providing the basis for it. Just because he more than Black does not disqualify him. I almost fell off my chair last night talking with one of my friends who, she herself, is not 100% black. When she told me she hated Obama because he is "not black enough" I seriously could not bring myself to talk to her very much if at all in fear of snapping and losing my temper. You people need to stop with all this stuff. Seriously.

Secondly. Anyone, Republican or not, that can sit and honestly think and say the Republican regime in this country has done us any good should do some more research and open their minds. We are in a financial crisis, a war over a substance that is quickly losing it's value all over the globe, and acts and policies that make American life harder for the average middle class worker. The Republican party has no concept of what it means to be middle class, and that is evident with the price of oil, the taxes placed on people that make less than half a million dollars a year, and countless other things that have made life for MY blue collar middle clas family extremely hard and nerve racking. McCain doesn't even know how many houses he owns, and you wanted HIM to be your president?

Thirdly he picked a woman, who is the Governor of a State where nothing ever happens. Just because you can see Russia from the shores of the State does NOT qualify you for the whitehouse. The woman had never set foot in Washington D.C. that I could find. At least Obama has been in the Senate working IN Washington and getting the real experience. Is he qualified for the position? In my opinion no, he has not been in the game long enough-but that is exactly why he picked Joe Biden. Joe Biden gets the middle class as far as I'm concerned.

Lets take a look at congress for a second. Just about every single incumbant was voted out of his/her seat without much contest. What does that tell you? It tells me personally that the Republican regime has failed out country miserably and people (including long standing republicans) are sick and tired of the consistant downward spiral we've been in for the past 8 years.

Is Obama the answer? I'm still undecided on that. Do I think he will do some good? YES. People are so afraid of change, even when things are bad, that anything new freaks them out. We all need to stand together as a country, embrace this historic day in our nations history, and have faith and give support to our new President and congressional members. They all have a huge mess to clean up and many many fires to put out.

Instead of pointing fingers, getting in to fights with each other, crying and screaming and running for another country: stop and give him a chance. please. It's the right time for this country to get back on it's feet-and I have every confidence in President Obama that he will at least give his very best effort to make the changes we need happen.

Another Post

"Life sucks, it's hard. If it were easy then anyone could do it and be successful. The same can be said about college, it's tough and set up to weed out the people that can't make the cut. So you have to decide for yourself which kind of person are you? Are you the kind that just gets up and quits because it's too hard? Or are you the kind that will sit down and figure everything out and make it? I think you're the kind that is going to make it, you haven't shown me any reason to believe otherwise." -My Dad

Right now more than ever, my Father's words keep ringing in my head. I am officially not on a good road with my health. 1/3 of it is my own fault, 1/3 of it is most likely due to the medication I have been on for a year now, and 1/3 of it is most likely another chronic condition that has no cure. There is a treatment for it, put me on steroids for four months, which is not any fun in itself. I have to go see a second liver specialist and most likely will be changing my meds as well as work out every day to get the fat off my liver. I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the healthiest person in the world, but I look around and see people eating like I do or worse and without problem and forget that I'm not like everyone else. I'm sick and have to do things differently then normal people. A fact that even three years in to all this I am having a hard time accepting and getting used to.

The steroids suck, a lot. I am constantly starving, which I can only ignore so much; My sex drive has increased like none other, my hair grows three times as fast, my muscles are tense all the time and spasm on me for no reason, I have nights were I can't fall asleep and days after where I can function normally on 2-3 hours of sleep. Then I have nights like last night where I had a slightly hard time falling asleep and woke up this morning completely exhausted. I go through periods of irritability and aggression, extreme depression, extreme happiness, and docility literally from one minute to the next sometimes. Then other times I'm stable and feel like I'm in control and can handle this. It's going to be a long and tiresome four months, but something is different this time. It's because I know what I'm dealing with, what to look for and watch out for, how to handle myself (when possible) and I have someone to help me through this who has been amazing so far :) Thank you Jessie from the bottom of my heart!

I bought a new MP3 player, a ZUNE, and it arrives today. I am so excited! I'll be able to start working out too, I would have started sooner but you can't work out without tunes.

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Can't sleep blues

Well seeing as how it's a concert weekend, my dearest is hogging the bed, and I can't sleep I figure I'll update this now as I won't have the chance later on.

I somehow manage to keep pulling grades out of my ass. Don't ask me how it's happening, it just is-I've become even more lazy as the semester has gone on but somehow manage to keep getting A's and B's on stuff. For example, the transposition test in conducting (which i did study somewhat for) I pulled a B on. HOW? I have no idea, I left the classroom thinking "sweet Jesus God I failed that thing" and fully thinking taking conducting 1 over again was going to have to be put in to my plans for next year. I've failed only one thing so far in the class, granted it counted for 40 percent of our grade-but still I think I'm for sure in B territory.

Thursday morning I walked in to Psychology class after missing Tuesday morning for band tour and totally forgetting to email my professor or anything. We had a test which I got through by the seat of my pants using logical choices for the multiple choice. I'm willing to bet I got at least a C on it. That sound cocky but it's not meant that way. I'm basing this prediction on the string of luck I seem to currently be on. Vegas anyone?

I'm so glad that I'm getting closer to the people around this campus, and have managed to find those that are true friends and worth getting to know. I've never honestly let my guard down like this and tried being myself around anyone before, and so far it seems like things are good :) It definantly makes eating meals more enjoyable, and not so lonely. Jessie has been a HUGE help and influence at getting me to relax and calm the hell down, and just helps make things easier in general (except when you're being a pain in the ass :P )

I've got a slightly elaborate and romantic afternoon/evening planned for my dearest later on and I'm so excited! It's nothing huge and I'll post more details later (I don't want her reading this and having the surprise be ruined) I really hope she enjoys it though :/

The alleged hate crime that happened two weeks ago now has left such a bad taste in my mouth. Not directed at the Muslim people, or anything like that. But directed at the immaturity and stupidity of people and society. I have no idea what she was aiming to achieve with her actions but the end result was several steps backwards towards a tolerant and respectful place for anyone to go to school. She's facing some jail time after a court hearing, and I honestly hope either the court rules that she didn't make it up and she is not punished wrongfully or if she really did make it up then she should get some kind of reprimand. Jail at 19 years of age makes my heart drop and my stomach hurt, just thinking if I were in her position-but she needs to be held accountable in some way. What she did to us, her "friends" her "community" her college was so wrong and disgusting it's going to take a long time for me to feel comfortable again, or even be able to put out of my mind how utterly terrified Jessie was and how worried I've been for all the females on this campus not to mention my own safety. Things like this break my heart, because it seems like it's just getting worse as the days go on and there is an increasing lack of things we can do to change hate and lack of respect in our community.

I apologize if none of this makes sense, I'm doing my best for 1:50am

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Weekly Update

The weeks seem like they are getting shorter and shorter with more and more to do. Ti's the season I guess, the season of AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and then a little Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday thrown in. We're already getting our schedules for next semester in order-I have a really nice registration time this go around though :)

It looks like Jessie and I will be able to take a class together! Which is going to be great just like everything else. We can work on the homework together and won't be terribly bored in class either :D! I'm looking forward to that and everything else life has in store for us.

Apparently the hate crime that happened last week was fake? The police, college and other authorities say it was; right now I'm just not sure what to believe. I mean no disrespect to anyone with posting this. This is seriously just some thoughts I've had. I want to be behind the girl because she's a fellow EC student of mine and a good friend of my lovely; at the same time though some things just don't add up. After hearing about this yesterday afternoon several questions came up in my head. The first going back to the first incident with the writing in her locker. There has been no mention that her lock was indeed cut, at least none that I can find. In order to break in to these lockers you would need a pair of bolt cutters, which are by no means pocket sized, or even backpack sized for that matter. Someone would have seen this mystery person breaking in to the locker, wielding a pair of these monsters:

Even if he was smart enough to find a battery operated unit:
These things still make a hell of a lot of noise when the cutter finally chews it's way through the hardened steel lock. Either means of operation cause a whole lot of noise, and in a busy student center and her locker being off a high traffic area someone somehow had to have heard it. With a campus of 3,300 students, many of which spend some time in the Frick center or walking through the Frick center, how could no one have seen anything? If there are witnesses and they are keeping their mouths shut, they should be arrested by Elmhurst Police too!

The second thing I have to wonder is with the rally going on in Schiable, in the basement where the now alleged attack happened, on a Thursday night when there are night classes going on, how did no one see a guy coming out of a girl's bathroom or not hear her fight with him? How the hell did he know she was going to use that bathroom at the exact time she walked in? As far as my bladder is concerned I have no regimented schedule for bathroom time. It all depends on how much you eat and drink over the course of the day and what you eat and drink. There is no way anyone can get a person's bathroom habbits down 100%.

My final question is how did she get a TEXT MESSAGE out to one of her friends before passing out? If he hit her hard enough with the gun to knock her out, I'm no MD but I'm pretty sure there is a few seconds of wooziness and then your out. It's not instant, but it takes much longer than 3 or 4 seconds to typ in a text message and send it. Going by my own experiences with being knocked unconcious it takes a lot less time than she would need to send it. There's also the issue of cell phone reception in the basement of that building. I've tried texting Jessie a whole bunch of times while she was in class down there and her reception bounces in and out, most of the time it's out. My Tues Thurs class down there gives me very little reception if any, and I get reception just about everywhere. Even in the dead zone in the office I work in I still get reception.

Now let me say again, I mean no disrespect to anyone with writing this. I really want to believe her and be behind her as her friend and peer, but at the same time the missing pieces are making me hesitate. My heart and prayers go out to her and her family, hoping and praying we get to the bottom of this. That she has not permanantley marked her record, that the alleged coward comes forward and takes the heat for his actions, that everyone can walk around our campus and the beautiful city of Elmhurst without having to worry too much. I absolutley love walking around down town Elmhurst and seeing families with little kids running around the chipotle square screaming and doing what kids do best-expelling energy with the parents keeping an eye out but not having to wonder "is that guy or girl going to hurt my kid?" or even at the park across the street. Jessie and I often walk through the park going and coming from our town runs and seeing kids running around and having fun gives me the biggest smile. I never had that freedom when I was little living in this grotesque city. My parents had to teather themselves to me and my brother when we would go downtown or even walking to the park. Once we were there, we had boundaries, we had to stay close just in case. Granted no place is ever 100% safe, we've got another clown molestor running across the city right now for crying out loud. But the City of Elmhurst prides itself on it's small town atmospher and it's safe living, and it's something I admire. Even with the Virginia Tech and Northern tragedys, most of myself still felt very safe walking around our campus.

I'm still going to walk with Jessie and anyone else for that matter that wants to be escorted at night. I would not be able to sit right with myself otherwise. We still need to keep each other safe, especially if this terrible incident was and is real. There could still be some Nazi lowlife running around our campus with a hand gun, and that scares the living hell out of me. I still very much want to keep my friends and my darling safe, and I still very much want someone to be held accountable and strung up if he did infact do this. I'm still angry at all the senseless hate in the world both close to home and far away, I'm just saying this recent turn of events has made me stop and think.

Lets keep our eyes open, our heads straight and get to the bottom of this. PLEASE continue to support our peer in this time, she needs all of our spirits right now-believe me the thoughts and prayers of a large body of people can do wonders. My brother and I are living proof of it.

Your religion is not to be used this way

I've held my tongue long enough about this and I tried to let it go but I just can't. And instead of getting in to someone's face and screaming like I usually would-I'm choosing this passive aggressive way to let said person know how I feel.

First off, we know you're Jewish. We get it. Thank you. There is nothing wrong with being Jewish, it's your life and your faith plain and simple. This is NOT an attack on your faith in any way.

Take the "jewjewjewjewjew" OFF your Facebook. Again, we know your Jewish, we don't need it thrown in our faces. No one else is throwing their Christianity at you, so TAKE IT DOWN. One word there is all we need. "Jewish" would be nice, instead of a stereotype. Your screen name fits this category too.

Using your religion as a means to get revenge at a group of girls who gave you plenty of opportunity to make it in to their organization is not only petty but immature, irrational, stupid and disgusting. The rules say you have to come to the the rush events to get in. Not only that but you have to show you can be professional, social and a positive part of the Fraternity to get in. You don't just automatically get in because you're good friends with many of the members, life does not get handed to you on a silver platter. This shows me that you are a selfish and spoiled little person, who does not deserve to get in to anything around here.

Furthermore, to go to an executive of the college and claim you are a victim of a hate crime because you're throwing a temper tantrum is wrong and immature as well-and there really is no place for that here. We have enough problems with REAL hate crimes and violence now and we don't need your petty crap on top of it. Act like you are a sophmore in college, not in high school thank you very much.

Also, to expect people to be buddy buddy and nice to you when you are on the brink of putting a large black mark on their college careers and lives is disgustingly stupid. And to expect people not directly involved who are good friends and loyal to the people you are messing with to be helpful and friendly to you is irrational and ridiculous.

It also tickles me to hear you pulled this stunt because not only do you have "jewjewjew" pasted on your Facebook, but you also have moderately racial things on picture comments and quotes on your book as well. Look up the definiton of hypocrite and take a look in the mirror.

Finally I gave the binder back to her, I don't have it anymore because I don't need it anymore. If you want it go ask her for it and stop bothering me. I have no time or energy for this kind of thing anymore. You stay away from me, I make my life hard enough on my own.

Thanks!

Coexist people, seriously.

The recent hate crimes this past week on campus, and now the cowardice and violent attack last night has brought on, to me and I'm sure most of my peers, a whole new level of disappointment and anger. There is absolutely NO REASON to discriminate, hate or attack another group of people because of the color of their skin, what they wear on their head or their religious beliefs. Whats more, the population around the world is only going to get more integrated whether we like it or not, whether we fight it or not. Things are segregated now because all these different "groups" of people chose to be. Either out of fear, their own hatred, or just because things have been set a certain way for a long period of time. And as far as blaming the entire Muslim world community for the actions of a violent and adolecent faction, seriously? Are we not living in 2008? It was a small part of the whole that attacked this country, a small group of the whole who brought on the devistation. It was certainly and UNDENIABLY NOT the Muslim students here at Elmhurst College, most of which if not all have been born and raised IN AMERICA and many very close to the city of ELMHURST.

College is all about making yourself better, opening your mind and soul to new ideas, new surroundings, new ways of life. Whomever goes to college just because their parents say so, or simply to get a degree should do us all a favor and drop out now. Go get a job at Wendy's or McDonalds-I'm going to need someone to flip my burgers for me. I say that because with this kind of metality that's about all you'll be good for. You have no place in the higher education realm, and no place in the upper areas of life for that matter. You don't deserve to be awarded a degree, even if you are paying through the nose to get it. Oh wait, that's right, Mommy and Daddy take care of everything don't they?

This is America. Plainly and simply, America is a place FOR diversity, where each and every person regardless race, religion, or anything else for that matter has the same equal rights and privledges as the next. Embrace the change, the integratoin. It's going to happen whether you want it to or not. Every citizen of this country has just as much right to be here as you, just as much right to a college education, a good job, a family, retirement-all of it.

How cowardice is it to hide in a female bathroom with a ski mask on and point a loaded gun at an innocent and unsuspecting girl? Then to run and hide? What have you solved? What have you accomplished? You've got an ENTIRE CAMPUS of over 3,000 PEOPLE angry, dissapointed and fearful. GO YOU! You're the man now huh? The only accomplishment I can see from you're immature, stupid, arrogant, ingnorant, disgusting, petty, and COWARDICE action is now you have 3,300 people standing up together. This morning already, via facebook of course, this campus community is banding together, becoming stronger people through each other. If I were you I would stay hidden, or better yet TURN YOURSELF IN. If you are any kind of man with any honor or integrity you A) would not have done this in the first place and B) would come forward and claim your action and the repercussions that follow.

Weekly Update Belayed

It has been one hell of a week and weekend for that matter. I found out last night my Godmother has come down with a mild heart disease and is slowly going to waste away on me. I feel slightly guilty for not wanting to go over there over the summer like I should have, but I'm going to make an attempt to head over there as much as possible-especially now. I don't want to be crying at her funeral because I was an asshole and neglected to visit. I'm going to make the time, regardless of what is going on at school. I've found that the work load is not as hard as I have previously thought as long as I use my shifts at my job to get ahead in whatever I can. It's especially a good time for the music history encounter.

I bombed my conducting musical terms test, which is 40% of the overall grade for the semester. I'm not too worried though after talking to Judy, I can still pass conducting I with a B as long as I do everything perfect from here on out. I've been practicing conducting every day after I'm done practicing my clarinet and it seems to be helping out. I really don't want to have to ever take a class over, I have never had to take a class over in my entire academic career and I don't want to start doing it again.

On a lighter note, I've decided for sure that a cold air intake is going on my ride. It will give her a more aggressive sound, even though she already sounds mean now. She's at 158hp, which is not bad for a 4 cylinder, but still not as quick off the line as I would like. It'll boost her to 168hp and with a few more mods like wrapping the manifold and down pipe and maybe changing the muffler she should be at 200hp or just under-which should give her the boost I'm looking for. Once I get her up to about 60, mashing down on the pedal is amazing. You get pushed back in to the seat and she's responsive and seems to enjoy it herself. This modification will most likely happen at the start of summer, as I have to save up for it. 400 dollars is most likely what it's going to cost me, and with the coming of the winter and wet season I don't want to have to worry about changing the intake around after having the new one on for only a short time. Even with a splash guard, the air filter can get wet and I just don't want to have to deal with it right now. Not to mention I have to take her in to get rustproofed still, and I'm not sure how much that is going to cost yet......

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Weekly Update

Well another week down, 5 more to go. This semester is flying by so fast I can hardly keep track of what day it is. Things continue to go smoothly, and I'm pretty much keeping up with all of my classes. I love my Clarinet and I can tell I'm making strides to improving myself on it. Sometimes, like two weeks ago, I feel like my fingers think I'm not meant to play it though. They get all twisted in to knots and just will not cooperate.

I've got a nasty sinus infection and have had it for a while. I finally went to the wellness center and I'm on 6 days of a 750mg anti-biotic. It seems to be working, although this is only day three, I already feel much better and can actually smell things again. Hopefully by day six it will be totally gone and I'll have my sinuses back to normal.

To Jessie:
I know I've said this a billion times already but I need to do it again. Thank you for always being there for me, no matter what. When I'm sick as a dog and throwing up and crabby, when I'm sad because I was ditched by someone I was looking forward to seeing, when I feel like I'm alone in this world, when my house doesn't feel like home. You're always there to curl up next to me and melt away my anger or pain or frustration, even when we're sleeping in separate beds. I seriously would be so lost without you, and probably would not have made it out of the hell I was in 7 months ago. Even through all the doubt I may have cause you, you still stood by me and helped me back on my own two feet after several train wrecks came through my life. Lately I've been feeling that even though we didn't know of each others existence you have always been here, in the background somewhere pushing me to get through things, to keep moving, to make it out alive. Things were looking so grim not to long ago, through no one's fault but mine, and you came in to my life like a hurricane and washed it all away. And seriously all you do is be your sweet adorable caring self. I love sitting on the bed in your dorm while your busy on the computer playing video games instead of doing your homework and just watching you. Not in a creeper sort of way, I promise, more like I don't want to blink because I don't want to miss anything. That smile you have comes from your whole body, and when you laugh it seriously feels like nothing bad will ever happen in the world ever again. You've taught me patience, you've brought a calm to me I've never had before, and hope that my future is going to mean something. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Ever. And I will never be able to let you go, and don't even want to think about having to.

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Interesting Weekend

The weirdest weekend of my life just came and went. I honestly didn't know what to make of it, and I'm sure I still don't.

My Sweet Pea went on the intercultural retreat with our school this weekend and had an awesome time! And I am so happy for her :) I'm a little jealous that I didn't get to go along this year, but I am definantly planning on making it next year. She brought back pictures that are just gorgeous of the grounds, and the frogs, and the praying mantis! Looks like it was soooo much fun :)

That's not the weird part of my weekend though......

I got home Friday a little after 2pm and had lunch and relaxed. Seeing as how Jessie left campus for the retreat around then, I decided to bug out early and beat traffic home. After my Dad came home he decided it necessary to tell me about a conversation he had with my mom and licking her feet. I have no idea why the hell my parents feel the need to clue me in on their sex life, or any part of that kind of thing, but they do. At dinner they brought it up again making me want to cut my ears off and leave them on the dinner table.

So Friday comes and goes, I finally get to bed and fall asleep. Around 2:30am I get a drunk txt from Becca and a phone call from Emily wondering where I am. I turned my phone off after that, but had a hard time falling back asleep. When my phone rings that late at night I panic a little. As I was reaching for it to pick it up all these worst case scenarios started racing through my head about Jessie, my Godmother, my Aunt, MY BROTHER. And when I didn't recognize the number, because I did not have Emily's number in my phone book, it made it worse. False alarm though, everything is fine-just made me jumpy. I go to work and get a whole bunch of stuff done for school, watch supernatural, still trying to shake off everything. When I get home my mom asks me if she called me during the week would I come home and be with her if she got lonley. My Dad is leaving for Vegas on Monday (today) and coming back Friday. I told her no, that I would come home if she was hurt or if someone broke in to the house but otherwise she's 50 years old and I don't have a whole bunch of time to just throw out the window. Now this request is strange in itself, but what made it worse was that I felt like she was coming on to me. I got this increadibly creepy, weird, fucked up vibe from her as we talked about this, and it kinda made me not want to be alone with her in the house ever again. Saturday night I had to flush the runt of the litter in my fish tank :( Poor little guy put up a good fight, and I had him over a year, but either the other fishes attacked him or he got stuck on the filter cause he was pretty banged up and just kinda did the dead man's float before I scooped him out. RIP little guy.

So Sunday I go to work, come home and get packed up, help my Dad out with a few things for his Vegas trip. We wash the cars, I cook dinner and everything is as fine as they can be. I get in the car, hit the highway and see three really bad accidents, one on the right shoulder, one right in the middle of the outbound side, and one on the inbound side. It's not even a full moon. Jeez.

I'm back laying next to my loveley now though, and everything is feeling much better. I'm hoping I'll be able to shake some of this creepy feeling I got from my Mom this weekend, Jessie is sure helping with that. I love her cuddles, and when she kisses me, and all this cute quirky things she does to pieces. She always can bring a smile to my face no matter how angry, or creeped out, or scared, or sad I get. She is an Angel. We're coming up on three months for her and I (officially) and 7+ months of knowing each other and I seriously could not be happier.

The Cubbies won the division title! Which always makes me happy. And my sinuses continue to get worse day by day. I don't know if I'm going to be able to wait to go get them scraped out, which is bothersome because I really cannot afford to take a whole bunch of time off of school. My Godmother says that having it done is really not that bad, but my sinuses are screwed up. I hope it would be a quick procedure but who really knows.

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The rain keeps falling

Another week down for the fall semester and I'm still keeping up. A little overwhelmed but still doing alright. I can't complain about very much, aside from feeling like most of my classes this semester are a complete waste of time....again..... 2 weeks on gregorian chant? SERIOUSLY? But whatever I need it to graduate and then teach, and I want to teach so bad- I can't wait to get out there :)

The rain has been unreal so far, flooding around sweet pea's house and mine, no baseball and a hurricane bearing down on the Texan coast OH MY. Every time it looks like it's breaking up over here and finally getting light outside it comes down again. I'm still moist from my walk to work this morning :( There is a major spot of RED coming at us on the radar, and when I got in to the office this morning it looked like it was night time out. I seriously had to double check my clock to make sure it was Saturday morning and not still Friday night.

Jessie's 21st birthday was yesterday, we had dinner with her parents at a very nice restaurant in Schaumburg. It was such a wonderful time enjoying some ribs and conversation with her parents, and not having any negative energy sitting at the table.

Coming home last night was hard for me to do I have to admit, I really wanted to just drive back to school and stay there, but I'm glad I didn't have to drive in the rain this morning. The first thing my mom did when I came home was bitch about my brother wanting to come home this weekend and him calling at 5pm wanting someone to come get him and how I was a better son. I seriously cannot believe her sometimes. Oh well only 2 nights at home and I'm out of here for several days.

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