I've spent a lot of time today sitting in my room thinking about all the amazing things God has sent to me over the years. Opportunities I've both missed and taken advantage of, people in and out of my life, people that have been steadfast in their loyalty, trust, respect and just overall love that never ceases to amaze me. It means a lot to me knowing I have friends and family that are willing to do anything for me, it humbles me and helps keep me centered and focused in so many ways. My drive for success and how hard I do work is not just for me in all honesty, behind all this momentum I have generated are the people that push me every day-the people I absolutely cannot let down under any circumstances. That kind of pressure ordinarily would cripple me, but lately its been my source of incredible strength, steadiness and drive. When I came home 2 weeks ago and had to tell my parents I was sick, there was nothing they nor I could do to fix it, and that I will most likely need a liver within 10 years-that was honestly the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. Seeing the look of immense fear and frustration on my Fathers face was painful to watch. I wanted to shout April Fools! or crack a joke or something, anything to make him stop that. I felt like I had let him down in some way, that my condition was not only crippling my fragile and unwritten future but also his in some way. In all reality he was simply feeling a sense of complete helplessness within the situation. He wanted and still keeps trying to come up with ways to fix this for me, to take all this suffering and pain and hardship away from his Son.
My Father is surely one of those people I absolutely cannot let down. Not with my health, not with my school work, my music, and certainly not with my future. My Dad has literally been through hell and back for our family, he works his ass off at a job that no one else really cares about, and when it comes right down to it I know my Father has my back no matter what. He has always been there for me and my brother, even when working those crazy ass shifts when we were little, he always found time for us. I'm not just working out and taking care of myself, I'm doing it for him too. So he can see me grow up and become a man-I only hope I can be the kind of man he wants me to be.
My brother is seriously my best friend in the whole world. He's at the top of the list along with Jessie and Tommy. I've watched him fight for his life and literally pull himself up out of a hole by his own will. He came back to us from a 2 week long drug induced coma, and even though I find him strange sometimes seeing that kind of strength in my brother changed something inside of me for the better and for good. I'm not doing this just for me, I'm doing this for him too.
Jessica. Where do I even start? You continue to amaze me every single day. The support and encouragement you have brought to me over the past almost year has been stronger and more life changing than anything I have ever experienced. Just knowing that someone who is as gorgeous, sexy and wonderful as you is behind me and believes in me gives me more power than I know what to do with sometimes. I've said I love you to two other girls in my life and meant it whole heartedly but honestly never felt anything in return from it. No one has ever stared me in the face with courage and determination and snapped me out of my trance. No one has ever had to guts to stand by me when times got hard like this, at least not to this extent. You always seem to know what to do or say to make me snap back to reality and get back on track. Your hand is always there for me in my moments of total weakness and disparity, and you never forget the person I am outside of those moments-even when I completely lose sight of it.
Julianna has also been an amazing help this semester. From getting up early as hell to go with me to work out, to keeping me focused on the music history encounter and not on being pissed off, to just making sure I know I have friends around. The more we talk and the more I get to know you, the more I like you J for serious. You are an awesome person and incredible musician and I really hope we stay in touch after college.
To the rest of my people. My family at church, my friends at school, and my friends all over the globe thank you. Thank you for your support, words of encouragement, and just words of kindness. It comforts me very much knowing I have you all behind me.
Tonight the Turkey and food was spectacular and as I was sitting at the table scarfing down my third helping of all the delicious food I could not help but feel not only content with my life but also like I've found a grove. I've found my rhythm and know what I have to do. I can only describe it as feeling like a frieght train. Once I really get rolling its going to be impossible to stop me, and believe me I'm rolling. I've already come down 10 pounds and continue to lose the weight-granted most likely not this week because of the holiday. My plan continues steady though, I will lose this weight, I will keep it off, I will bring my body fat percentage down so that when I do indeed need the liver I can be sure I've done all I can to make the procedure a success. I WILL NOT FAIL. I can honestly promise every single person in my life that I will not let this get the best of me, certainly not without a fight. If I'm going down in 10 years then I'm gonig down swinging as hard and as fast as I possibly can.
I seriously am surrounded by the finest and most inspiring people I could possibly imagine. You all are so wonderful and I am thankful beyond measure to be so blessed. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
hang tough.
