I've spent a lot of time today sitting in my room thinking about all the amazing things God has sent to me over the years. Opportunities I've both missed and taken advantage of, people in and out of my life, people that have been steadfast in their loyalty, trust, respect and just overall love that never ceases to amaze me. It means a lot to me knowing I have friends and family that are willing to do anything for me, it humbles me and helps keep me centered and focused in so many ways. My drive for success and how hard I do work is not just for me in all honesty, behind all this momentum I have generated are the people that push me every day-the people I absolutely cannot let down under any circumstances. That kind of pressure ordinarily would cripple me, but lately its been my source of incredible strength, steadiness and drive. When I came home 2 weeks ago and had to tell my parents I was sick, there was nothing they nor I could do to fix it, and that I will most likely need a liver within 10 years-that was honestly the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. Seeing the look of immense fear and frustration on my Fathers face was painful to watch. I wanted to shout April Fools! or crack a joke or something, anything to make him stop that. I felt like I had let him down in some way, that my condition was not only crippling my fragile and unwritten future but also his in some way. In all reality he was simply feeling a sense of complete helplessness within the situation. He wanted and still keeps trying to come up with ways to fix this for me, to take all this suffering and pain and hardship away from his Son.
My Father is surely one of those people I absolutely cannot let down. Not with my health, not with my school work, my music, and certainly not with my future. My Dad has literally been through hell and back for our family, he works his ass off at a job that no one else really cares about, and when it comes right down to it I know my Father has my back no matter what. He has always been there for me and my brother, even when working those crazy ass shifts when we were little, he always found time for us. I'm not just working out and taking care of myself, I'm doing it for him too. So he can see me grow up and become a man-I only hope I can be the kind of man he wants me to be.
My brother is seriously my best friend in the whole world. He's at the top of the list along with Jessie and Tommy. I've watched him fight for his life and literally pull himself up out of a hole by his own will. He came back to us from a 2 week long drug induced coma, and even though I find him strange sometimes seeing that kind of strength in my brother changed something inside of me for the better and for good. I'm not doing this just for me, I'm doing this for him too.
Jessica. Where do I even start? You continue to amaze me every single day. The support and encouragement you have brought to me over the past almost year has been stronger and more life changing than anything I have ever experienced. Just knowing that someone who is as gorgeous, sexy and wonderful as you is behind me and believes in me gives me more power than I know what to do with sometimes. I've said I love you to two other girls in my life and meant it whole heartedly but honestly never felt anything in return from it. No one has ever stared me in the face with courage and determination and snapped me out of my trance. No one has ever had to guts to stand by me when times got hard like this, at least not to this extent. You always seem to know what to do or say to make me snap back to reality and get back on track. Your hand is always there for me in my moments of total weakness and disparity, and you never forget the person I am outside of those moments-even when I completely lose sight of it.
Julianna has also been an amazing help this semester. From getting up early as hell to go with me to work out, to keeping me focused on the music history encounter and not on being pissed off, to just making sure I know I have friends around. The more we talk and the more I get to know you, the more I like you J for serious. You are an awesome person and incredible musician and I really hope we stay in touch after college.
To the rest of my people. My family at church, my friends at school, and my friends all over the globe thank you. Thank you for your support, words of encouragement, and just words of kindness. It comforts me very much knowing I have you all behind me.
Tonight the Turkey and food was spectacular and as I was sitting at the table scarfing down my third helping of all the delicious food I could not help but feel not only content with my life but also like I've found a grove. I've found my rhythm and know what I have to do. I can only describe it as feeling like a frieght train. Once I really get rolling its going to be impossible to stop me, and believe me I'm rolling. I've already come down 10 pounds and continue to lose the weight-granted most likely not this week because of the holiday. My plan continues steady though, I will lose this weight, I will keep it off, I will bring my body fat percentage down so that when I do indeed need the liver I can be sure I've done all I can to make the procedure a success. I WILL NOT FAIL. I can honestly promise every single person in my life that I will not let this get the best of me, certainly not without a fight. If I'm going down in 10 years then I'm gonig down swinging as hard and as fast as I possibly can.
I seriously am surrounded by the finest and most inspiring people I could possibly imagine. You all are so wonderful and I am thankful beyond measure to be so blessed. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
hang tough.
Thank You Thank You Thank You
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to take a moment and post my most sincerest thanks and let you all know how much I appreciate the kind words of encouragement! I'm always a little apprehensive about talking about my health problems because I know there are people far worse off than I am-but at the same time this is a very easy way to keep everyone concerned as up to date as possible.
Again Thank You for all the support, thoughts and prayers. Life is never an easy journey as I'm finding out first hand right now. My spirits and resolve are high though and I'm not going to give up, nor am I going to take this sitting down. My efforts will continue to get my body in to shape, keep eating better, and gain as much knowledge about all of this as possible. As my private Clarinet teacher said in an email to me this morning, medical technology is going to change drastically over the next ten years. Most of my hopes are riding on that thought, that some day soon there will be much more information available about the conditions I have and maybe even a cure. I'm still going to continue to be realistic and keep my head level and take one day at a time, just in case a cure never does come along.
I love you all!
I just wanted to take a moment and post my most sincerest thanks and let you all know how much I appreciate the kind words of encouragement! I'm always a little apprehensive about talking about my health problems because I know there are people far worse off than I am-but at the same time this is a very easy way to keep everyone concerned as up to date as possible.
Again Thank You for all the support, thoughts and prayers. Life is never an easy journey as I'm finding out first hand right now. My spirits and resolve are high though and I'm not going to give up, nor am I going to take this sitting down. My efforts will continue to get my body in to shape, keep eating better, and gain as much knowledge about all of this as possible. As my private Clarinet teacher said in an email to me this morning, medical technology is going to change drastically over the next ten years. Most of my hopes are riding on that thought, that some day soon there will be much more information available about the conditions I have and maybe even a cure. I'm still going to continue to be realistic and keep my head level and take one day at a time, just in case a cure never does come along.
I love you all!
SO HERE'S MY LIFE
This morning's appointment was both productive and discouraging. I most likely have a condition called Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis or PSC. PSC is a disease that goes hand in hand with my auto immune disorder and more specifically my Crohns and colitis. There is no known cause or cure for this condition. To sum up all the medical jargon: the bile ducts leading away from my liver are inflamed. They are inflamed because my immune system is attacking them for no reason whatsoever. The bile ducts will scar further which will cause my liver to gradually get more sick over time. This will eventually lead to complete liver failure. The doctor I saw today, who was awesome, gave me 10 years before I need to have a liver transplant. Not the greatest evalutation-especially at the age of 20. The good news is the survival rate with this condition is very high, and my doctor seemed very confident that I'm going to be okay. He layed out some tests that I need to under go within the next couple of weeks, and had a very positive outlook on my overall treatment. However, this is all a preliminary diagnosis at this point; there was a problem getting my records to his office. He is going to lock everything down and give me an over the phone evaluation within a week or two and we will go from there. I am going to continue fighting, I've made it this far and there is no reason I should give up now.
I have to admit keeping a positive attitude about all of this is very hard, but I'm trying to be a good boy. My Jessie was simply amazing today like she always is. I hate leaning on her so much, but my moments of weakness are almost impossible to avoid right now. I'm working on it though, very hard.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE SICK! I'M A MUSIC EDUCATION MAJOR!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I have to admit keeping a positive attitude about all of this is very hard, but I'm trying to be a good boy. My Jessie was simply amazing today like she always is. I hate leaning on her so much, but my moments of weakness are almost impossible to avoid right now. I'm working on it though, very hard.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE SICK! I'M A MUSIC EDUCATION MAJOR!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The Eve of a Big Day
Today is the eve of my big day tomorrow and I am admittedly a little scared. The news that I receive tomorrow will affect the rest of my life in many ways-even if the verdict is not liver transplant. If the answer is not liver transplant, my medications will again switch for the third time since I've been diagnosed with Crohns and Colitis- a transition that will more than likely be rough.
I've been proactive with my situation though, more so than I ever thought I would be. I've hit the gym just about every day for the past three weeks, I've changed my diet and cut down my caloric intake which has yielded a 10 pound loss in 2 weeks-something hard to achieve while taking steroids. Drinking tea, especially the rooibos, has helped a great deal too. Thanks to my dearest for getting me hooked on teas :)
It's amazing how exercising can drastically alter just about everything. It has given me more focus, more stamina throughout the day, a much more level head, helped keep my emotions and aggressiveness under control-another thing that is almost impossible under the influence of the prednisone. I'm attributing my hopefulness for tomorrow to several factors, one of them being the exercise and accomplishments I've been able to make in a short amount of time.
The most important and influential factor in my life and my outlook on tomorrow is my Jessie. She has been unbelievably wonderful, supportive, understanding and is just amazing in every single way. This past week, when I've had time to think or even when I'm zoning out in class I've been counting my blessing and being thankful for all the wonderful things in my life-a week early I know but it seems to fit right now. Jessica Rose Perham is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. She has taken me places and helped me through things I never thought would be possible. Complete change takes time, and having someone with such patience and kindness to calm my insides, and quite the noise in the back of my head is truely one of the greatest blessings in my life. She's the woman of my dreams and continues to amaze me ever single day I wake up and kiss her a good morning. I've never ever had someone stand next to me through anything outside of my family like she does. Someone who doesn't run away scared when I have my moments of anger or when I'm feeling weak. I've never had someone wrap her arms around me and tell me it's going to be okay-and I believe her. I trust her more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. We make each other stronger, we support each other in every single way. The amount of time and energy we put in to our relationship is enormous, but it's not without great reward. I seriously do not know nor want to think about where I would be or how I would be without having her in my life. Without her support, live, caring and sweetness I honestly believe that I would not be as well off as I am right now-all things considered. Once again Jessie, thank you so very very very very much from the bottom of my heart for being my rock, my voice of reason, and my angel. (Yes I know I typed LIVE out instead of LOVE. It's our in between word. we're past being in like with each other but still on the cusp of being in love with eachother so we compromised :) )
end of line.
I've been proactive with my situation though, more so than I ever thought I would be. I've hit the gym just about every day for the past three weeks, I've changed my diet and cut down my caloric intake which has yielded a 10 pound loss in 2 weeks-something hard to achieve while taking steroids. Drinking tea, especially the rooibos, has helped a great deal too. Thanks to my dearest for getting me hooked on teas :)
It's amazing how exercising can drastically alter just about everything. It has given me more focus, more stamina throughout the day, a much more level head, helped keep my emotions and aggressiveness under control-another thing that is almost impossible under the influence of the prednisone. I'm attributing my hopefulness for tomorrow to several factors, one of them being the exercise and accomplishments I've been able to make in a short amount of time.
The most important and influential factor in my life and my outlook on tomorrow is my Jessie. She has been unbelievably wonderful, supportive, understanding and is just amazing in every single way. This past week, when I've had time to think or even when I'm zoning out in class I've been counting my blessing and being thankful for all the wonderful things in my life-a week early I know but it seems to fit right now. Jessica Rose Perham is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. She has taken me places and helped me through things I never thought would be possible. Complete change takes time, and having someone with such patience and kindness to calm my insides, and quite the noise in the back of my head is truely one of the greatest blessings in my life. She's the woman of my dreams and continues to amaze me ever single day I wake up and kiss her a good morning. I've never ever had someone stand next to me through anything outside of my family like she does. Someone who doesn't run away scared when I have my moments of anger or when I'm feeling weak. I've never had someone wrap her arms around me and tell me it's going to be okay-and I believe her. I trust her more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. We make each other stronger, we support each other in every single way. The amount of time and energy we put in to our relationship is enormous, but it's not without great reward. I seriously do not know nor want to think about where I would be or how I would be without having her in my life. Without her support, live, caring and sweetness I honestly believe that I would not be as well off as I am right now-all things considered. Once again Jessie, thank you so very very very very much from the bottom of my heart for being my rock, my voice of reason, and my angel. (Yes I know I typed LIVE out instead of LOVE. It's our in between word. we're past being in like with each other but still on the cusp of being in love with eachother so we compromised :) )
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WEEK TWO DOWN, 14 MORE WEEKS TO GO
Today marks the second week on Prednisone and I'm feeling pretty good actually. Working out vigourously most days has helped a whole lot, along with having someone here who isn't afraid to stay with me and realizes that when I'm crabby or angry or upset it's not necessarily a natural response to a situation for me. The steroids are nasty, even with a low dose like I'm on now I have mood swings, periods of extreme depression and all kinds of other stuff that makes it really hard to stay emotionaly level. I finally have someone in my life, other than my parents, who understands this whole situation, has enough patience to sit with me and help me through this, and not abandon me. Of course I"m being proactive in recognizing these rough times, and talking to her about it, and doing things like working out and trying to keep my mind off of the whole situation-which is also helping. It really does feel go to not have to worry about being abandoned anymore, I feel safe here for sure. Jessica, you are amazing and truely one in a million. Thank you so very much for everything you've done for me. I have got Tomorrow marks the one week countdown to see the Liver Specialist and find out exactly what the flying hell is wrong with my liver, and hopefully it will be something easy like getting off this freaking medication.
I'm down just about 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I weigh myself every morning before breakfast and hit 187 this morning-down from 197 2 weeks when I weighed in at the doctors. I weigh myself periodically throughout the day as well and notice my weight swings at least 10 pounds upwards each day, which I find really strange. I thought weight loss and gain were a more gradual of processes, but apparently not. The elliptical is my friend for sure right now, it works your legs, glutes and core really hard which is also surprising to me. Once I get my weight down to 175 (hopefully another two weeks) I'm going to start a weight training regiment as well-which will help power through calories. I don't want to be ripped or like Governor Schwarzenegger or anything, but I could definantly enjoy having more physical strength because it will help with fatigue throughout the day.
The only class I'm having trouble in right now is Intro to Psych. With a teacher that told me straight to my face that she doesn't care about the class, but still expects me to give her 110% with my class work, makes it increadibly hard to focus or do anything productive for the class. I'm going to pass it though, I refuse to take it again.
Time to practice conducting.
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I'm down just about 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I weigh myself every morning before breakfast and hit 187 this morning-down from 197 2 weeks when I weighed in at the doctors. I weigh myself periodically throughout the day as well and notice my weight swings at least 10 pounds upwards each day, which I find really strange. I thought weight loss and gain were a more gradual of processes, but apparently not. The elliptical is my friend for sure right now, it works your legs, glutes and core really hard which is also surprising to me. Once I get my weight down to 175 (hopefully another two weeks) I'm going to start a weight training regiment as well-which will help power through calories. I don't want to be ripped or like Governor Schwarzenegger or anything, but I could definantly enjoy having more physical strength because it will help with fatigue throughout the day.
The only class I'm having trouble in right now is Intro to Psych. With a teacher that told me straight to my face that she doesn't care about the class, but still expects me to give her 110% with my class work, makes it increadibly hard to focus or do anything productive for the class. I'm going to pass it though, I refuse to take it again.
Time to practice conducting.
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Another Week Down
It's been another long week, and as Jessie snoozes on the couch next to me I can honestly say Thank GOD it's Friday. This week was by no means any more difficult than usual, it just seemed to take forever. Things continue as per last update. I'm still taking prednisone, still watching what I eat, still hanging in there. I have an appointment with another doctor on the 21st of November and have received all the paper work I need to fill out and send back before my appointment. This Thursday I need to go get blood work done. Papers due, tests coming out of my ears, performances and juries, AHHH! So much to do, as I'm sure everyone else has as well.
Crashing at the girlfriend's parents house tonight and tomorrow we have the president's inaguration at my college. Then work Sunday, and back in to the school week. I seriously can't wait until I'm out in the real world and acutally have a Saturday and Sunday where I'm not working. Of course who knows if that will indeed happen when I'm out on my own, but I can hope-right?
This morning I worked through my first serious cardio workout in a long time. It felt good to actually be burning fat/calories but at the same time made me feel shak and sick. It will get better as I continue to stick to this routine, and having J come with three days a week along with the walks dearest and I take is helping keeping me motivated. I'm monitoring my caloric intake with an online journal and just really watching what I take in, although some days I'm a better boy than others. It's time, I've let my health slide for too long, used my condition as a crutch and an excuse for too long. It's time to get my butt in gear for my sake, and for Jessie's sake.
A cold night in is feeling sooo good. I'm actually going to try and get some homeowrk done while we sit and relax, with no pressure to actually get it done-I just want to get something done at all before dinner and a moive with Sweet Pea. Psychology Paper, HERE I COME!
end of line.
Crashing at the girlfriend's parents house tonight and tomorrow we have the president's inaguration at my college. Then work Sunday, and back in to the school week. I seriously can't wait until I'm out in the real world and acutally have a Saturday and Sunday where I'm not working. Of course who knows if that will indeed happen when I'm out on my own, but I can hope-right?
This morning I worked through my first serious cardio workout in a long time. It felt good to actually be burning fat/calories but at the same time made me feel shak and sick. It will get better as I continue to stick to this routine, and having J come with three days a week along with the walks dearest and I take is helping keeping me motivated. I'm monitoring my caloric intake with an online journal and just really watching what I take in, although some days I'm a better boy than others. It's time, I've let my health slide for too long, used my condition as a crutch and an excuse for too long. It's time to get my butt in gear for my sake, and for Jessie's sake.
A cold night in is feeling sooo good. I'm actually going to try and get some homeowrk done while we sit and relax, with no pressure to actually get it done-I just want to get something done at all before dinner and a moive with Sweet Pea. Psychology Paper, HERE I COME!
end of line.
My Thoughts on the Presidential Election 2008
First off, as always, these are my opinions. I own them and own up to them 100% without question. That being said this is NOT a personal attack on anyone or anyone's beliefs-these are mine please be respectful as I will towards your beliefs.
Last night was a huge moment in history without question. We witnessed the first presidential election that was multi-racial beyond the usual melting pot of American society. This is a GOOD thing. One of the things so far that has pissed me off are black people saying that Obama is not "black enough." Are you people all serious? Really? First off I refuse to accept all this whining and crying over the segregation and inequality in this country when YOU yourselves are providing the basis for it. Just because he more than Black does not disqualify him. I almost fell off my chair last night talking with one of my friends who, she herself, is not 100% black. When she told me she hated Obama because he is "not black enough" I seriously could not bring myself to talk to her very much if at all in fear of snapping and losing my temper. You people need to stop with all this stuff. Seriously.
Secondly. Anyone, Republican or not, that can sit and honestly think and say the Republican regime in this country has done us any good should do some more research and open their minds. We are in a financial crisis, a war over a substance that is quickly losing it's value all over the globe, and acts and policies that make American life harder for the average middle class worker. The Republican party has no concept of what it means to be middle class, and that is evident with the price of oil, the taxes placed on people that make less than half a million dollars a year, and countless other things that have made life for MY blue collar middle clas family extremely hard and nerve racking. McCain doesn't even know how many houses he owns, and you wanted HIM to be your president?
Thirdly he picked a woman, who is the Governor of a State where nothing ever happens. Just because you can see Russia from the shores of the State does NOT qualify you for the whitehouse. The woman had never set foot in Washington D.C. that I could find. At least Obama has been in the Senate working IN Washington and getting the real experience. Is he qualified for the position? In my opinion no, he has not been in the game long enough-but that is exactly why he picked Joe Biden. Joe Biden gets the middle class as far as I'm concerned.
Lets take a look at congress for a second. Just about every single incumbant was voted out of his/her seat without much contest. What does that tell you? It tells me personally that the Republican regime has failed out country miserably and people (including long standing republicans) are sick and tired of the consistant downward spiral we've been in for the past 8 years.
Is Obama the answer? I'm still undecided on that. Do I think he will do some good? YES. People are so afraid of change, even when things are bad, that anything new freaks them out. We all need to stand together as a country, embrace this historic day in our nations history, and have faith and give support to our new President and congressional members. They all have a huge mess to clean up and many many fires to put out.
Instead of pointing fingers, getting in to fights with each other, crying and screaming and running for another country: stop and give him a chance. please. It's the right time for this country to get back on it's feet-and I have every confidence in President Obama that he will at least give his very best effort to make the changes we need happen.
Last night was a huge moment in history without question. We witnessed the first presidential election that was multi-racial beyond the usual melting pot of American society. This is a GOOD thing. One of the things so far that has pissed me off are black people saying that Obama is not "black enough." Are you people all serious? Really? First off I refuse to accept all this whining and crying over the segregation and inequality in this country when YOU yourselves are providing the basis for it. Just because he more than Black does not disqualify him. I almost fell off my chair last night talking with one of my friends who, she herself, is not 100% black. When she told me she hated Obama because he is "not black enough" I seriously could not bring myself to talk to her very much if at all in fear of snapping and losing my temper. You people need to stop with all this stuff. Seriously.
Secondly. Anyone, Republican or not, that can sit and honestly think and say the Republican regime in this country has done us any good should do some more research and open their minds. We are in a financial crisis, a war over a substance that is quickly losing it's value all over the globe, and acts and policies that make American life harder for the average middle class worker. The Republican party has no concept of what it means to be middle class, and that is evident with the price of oil, the taxes placed on people that make less than half a million dollars a year, and countless other things that have made life for MY blue collar middle clas family extremely hard and nerve racking. McCain doesn't even know how many houses he owns, and you wanted HIM to be your president?
Thirdly he picked a woman, who is the Governor of a State where nothing ever happens. Just because you can see Russia from the shores of the State does NOT qualify you for the whitehouse. The woman had never set foot in Washington D.C. that I could find. At least Obama has been in the Senate working IN Washington and getting the real experience. Is he qualified for the position? In my opinion no, he has not been in the game long enough-but that is exactly why he picked Joe Biden. Joe Biden gets the middle class as far as I'm concerned.
Lets take a look at congress for a second. Just about every single incumbant was voted out of his/her seat without much contest. What does that tell you? It tells me personally that the Republican regime has failed out country miserably and people (including long standing republicans) are sick and tired of the consistant downward spiral we've been in for the past 8 years.
Is Obama the answer? I'm still undecided on that. Do I think he will do some good? YES. People are so afraid of change, even when things are bad, that anything new freaks them out. We all need to stand together as a country, embrace this historic day in our nations history, and have faith and give support to our new President and congressional members. They all have a huge mess to clean up and many many fires to put out.
Instead of pointing fingers, getting in to fights with each other, crying and screaming and running for another country: stop and give him a chance. please. It's the right time for this country to get back on it's feet-and I have every confidence in President Obama that he will at least give his very best effort to make the changes we need happen.
Another Post
"Life sucks, it's hard. If it were easy then anyone could do it and be successful. The same can be said about college, it's tough and set up to weed out the people that can't make the cut. So you have to decide for yourself which kind of person are you? Are you the kind that just gets up and quits because it's too hard? Or are you the kind that will sit down and figure everything out and make it? I think you're the kind that is going to make it, you haven't shown me any reason to believe otherwise." -My Dad
Right now more than ever, my Father's words keep ringing in my head. I am officially not on a good road with my health. 1/3 of it is my own fault, 1/3 of it is most likely due to the medication I have been on for a year now, and 1/3 of it is most likely another chronic condition that has no cure. There is a treatment for it, put me on steroids for four months, which is not any fun in itself. I have to go see a second liver specialist and most likely will be changing my meds as well as work out every day to get the fat off my liver. I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the healthiest person in the world, but I look around and see people eating like I do or worse and without problem and forget that I'm not like everyone else. I'm sick and have to do things differently then normal people. A fact that even three years in to all this I am having a hard time accepting and getting used to.
The steroids suck, a lot. I am constantly starving, which I can only ignore so much; My sex drive has increased like none other, my hair grows three times as fast, my muscles are tense all the time and spasm on me for no reason, I have nights were I can't fall asleep and days after where I can function normally on 2-3 hours of sleep. Then I have nights like last night where I had a slightly hard time falling asleep and woke up this morning completely exhausted. I go through periods of irritability and aggression, extreme depression, extreme happiness, and docility literally from one minute to the next sometimes. Then other times I'm stable and feel like I'm in control and can handle this. It's going to be a long and tiresome four months, but something is different this time. It's because I know what I'm dealing with, what to look for and watch out for, how to handle myself (when possible) and I have someone to help me through this who has been amazing so far :) Thank you Jessie from the bottom of my heart!
I bought a new MP3 player, a ZUNE, and it arrives today. I am so excited! I'll be able to start working out too, I would have started sooner but you can't work out without tunes.
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Right now more than ever, my Father's words keep ringing in my head. I am officially not on a good road with my health. 1/3 of it is my own fault, 1/3 of it is most likely due to the medication I have been on for a year now, and 1/3 of it is most likely another chronic condition that has no cure. There is a treatment for it, put me on steroids for four months, which is not any fun in itself. I have to go see a second liver specialist and most likely will be changing my meds as well as work out every day to get the fat off my liver. I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the healthiest person in the world, but I look around and see people eating like I do or worse and without problem and forget that I'm not like everyone else. I'm sick and have to do things differently then normal people. A fact that even three years in to all this I am having a hard time accepting and getting used to.
The steroids suck, a lot. I am constantly starving, which I can only ignore so much; My sex drive has increased like none other, my hair grows three times as fast, my muscles are tense all the time and spasm on me for no reason, I have nights were I can't fall asleep and days after where I can function normally on 2-3 hours of sleep. Then I have nights like last night where I had a slightly hard time falling asleep and woke up this morning completely exhausted. I go through periods of irritability and aggression, extreme depression, extreme happiness, and docility literally from one minute to the next sometimes. Then other times I'm stable and feel like I'm in control and can handle this. It's going to be a long and tiresome four months, but something is different this time. It's because I know what I'm dealing with, what to look for and watch out for, how to handle myself (when possible) and I have someone to help me through this who has been amazing so far :) Thank you Jessie from the bottom of my heart!
I bought a new MP3 player, a ZUNE, and it arrives today. I am so excited! I'll be able to start working out too, I would have started sooner but you can't work out without tunes.
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