Well it's been over a month since I've last posted. School has been slowly eating away at my soul and I just have not had the urge to put something up on the interwebs.
First off a health situation update:
NO CHANGE.
Well I shouldn't say that. I had records faxed to Northwestern twice and even dropped them off in person once and they somehow are still not getting to the doctor that I need to take a look at them. The same guy I'm supposed to see this coming Friday morning. My Father and I talked to an administrator at Northwestern who promised to get back to us after looking in to why my phone calls are never returned and why my documents keep getting lost and why I am not being treated like a human being. I'm going in tomorrow (Friday) to see this Doctor and gauge whether or not I'm worth his time. If not then I am moving on finally. I probably should have left Northwestern in the dust a long time ago, but based on their reputation I blindly expected much better care.. Silly me. On too of all this, our insurance company has decided that I'm not longer turning 21. Instead I'm turning 14 or some ridiculous age AND they have dropped my coverage because I am no longer a full time student. Even though I got all the paperwork in that I needed to at the beginning of the year just like I always do. This country and it's health care system are so STUPID it's amazing people even get better when they are sick.
On a much lighter note, Jessie and I finally blurted out the "L" word and things continue to move along amazingly between us. I seriously don't know what I would do without her, especially now with all of this health stuff really becoming a big problem. She keeps me calm and brings a smile to my face and helps me remember that I'm going to be okay. Honestly I lose sight of that a lot, especially latley-but she's here and taking care of me. I could not ask for a more compassionate, gorgeous and sweet companion and feel truly blessed to have her in my life.
I've also hit a point where I am questioning my faith to an extreme I have never felt before. On the one hand I'm Christian, have been my whole life and can know and believe there is some higher power that governs our daily lives. But at the same time, why has he turned away from us? Why are there children starving, people dieing of HIV AIDS, cancer and going through needless suffering? I feel as though God may have turned his back to take a long break from the world-or he just is no longer here at all. That we're all on auto pilot until he returns to punish us for deviating from his plan the last time he was here. The galaxy is a big place, maybe somewhere else needs his attention more desperately? Why create something and then just leave it be? I just don't understand, and I'm having a hard time putting my faith and my life in the hands of someone or something that seems to have turned it's back on us.
Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through, maybe not though. Only time and experience will tell.
We conducted our last band today for conducting II. Cass middle school was phenomenal and seriously sounded better and played better than many high school and even some college bands I've heard. We also invited the area's 5th grade musicians to come and sit in on our band rehearsal last night, and they too were just amazing kids and amazing musicians at such a young age. It just re-affirms my want to teach out here in the suburbs, stay away from the city, and make sure my children have these kinds of opportunities. Even some of the "poor" towns and suburbs have got better school and music programs than CPS ever will. It makes me sad to think such a great city is at such a loss when it comes to education.
I've also hit a point in the year where I just don't feel like I can do this. Like I can be a great teacher, or any kind of teacher for that matter. That I suck so horribly at being a musician I should just quit and walk away and do everybody a favor. I know I can't and I know I've made huge leaps since being in college, but I still feel so inferior to my peers.
maybe more to come later
1 comment
Andrew, I am sorry that I have been so negligent in writing or getting the chance to talk to you when we do see you. I want you to know that I struggle with your faith questions all the time. I had an especially difficult time in my 20s and only went out of habit on special days. I don't have any good answers for you--wish I did. Unfortunately, I've learned that being a PK didn't give me an automatic list of answers or even make me articulate enough to describe my own faith.
Anya
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