As much as I can't stand the congestion and noise of the city I do love it so. I love navagating the streets, riding my bike through the neighborhoods, knowing a store with everything I need is a simple ten minute walk from my doorstep-and even the noise. The sounds of the city is what I've fallen asleep to for the past 20 years even with the windows and doors closed-it is strange to sleep somewhere that doesn't have a quiet roar in the background.
I suppose all of these feelings are adolescent, and I should have been going through this two years ago instead of my Junior year in college. But that comes down to a choice I made, the choice to commute instead of move out at 18. The choice to stay and try and support my brother and family like I have for so long but yet branch out myself and have my own life-a choice that now I see is futile and near impossible. I NEED to get out, I NEED to create my own experiences and do things my way and learn all of these things. I am ready beyond belief, there is no doubt there-but I am going to miss all of this when I'm living 5 days a week in Elmhurst. Elmhurst in it's own right is a great town as well, I love walking around there, shopping there and the suburbs are really where my heart has wanted to be for a while now. Yes things are spread out, but the traffic is no where near as bad as in the city, teaching positions are often more productive in a burb with the right ingredients, and lets face it all of my friends now live out there-there's really no one left here. My brother is going to be leaving too, and as much as I love my parents to be home without him would feel very weird. Knowing that he won't be home for several months at a time while I sit and deal with the bs, the commute, and the general lone wolf syndrome I seem to have brought upon myself is something I can not do. I love my parents, but the circumstances at home have pushed me away pretty drastically right now, and they are so set in their ways I doubt things will change very much very soon. Having no kids in the house is going to rock their world as well, and I'm honestly really nervous how much not having me and my brother around is going to rock that house-I can see it shaking things up more than anything in our history as a family ever has-there will be no sounding boards, no buffers, no glue. I don't think I'm prepared to handle another fire in that house, especially not while studying and trying to get my life started and together. One thing is for sure though, extended family's bullshit will no longer be able to affect my life-not with someplace warm and safe to go to, and certainly not with Jess's warm, caring and affectionate arms to give me a way station for a while to recoupe.
The things I have seen and felt from her latley have been nothing short of amazing. She's come sooooo far on her flute in such a short time and I am SO PROUD of her. It's going to be great having her in band this fall! She continues to get more and more gorgeous each and every time she comes to the door to let me in, and adorable describes only a tiny part of how she is. All of my inhibitions, doubts, fears, weaknesses, vices, all the negative and dark inside me is quieting down. She has touched my life in so many ways and continues to help heal things that have been ripped in me from so long ago. I've said that I've never felt this way before to a lot of things and to a few people I wish I hadn't-but this time is so much different it is indescribable. She's given me so much calm inside, even my untameable temper has shut up and gone to sleep. It's nice to know I still got it just in case I need to protect her, but the demons and all the noise in the back of my head has subsided and continues to subside. My heart feels like it's going to beat right out of my chest, I've been able to keep focused on things I never thought I would focus on-I'm going to KICK ASS this fall :)
I could go on for hours about my Jessie, the way she makes me feel, what she does for me just being there without hidden motive (something I've never been able to believe about anyone ever before) and how she really is into me because she likes what I do for her too. I know I can be aggravating and I get pissy sometimes, but 99% of that isn't even directed or about her. All I want to do is take care of her, let her curl up someplace safe and warm, support her in everything she wants to do and lend my knowledge and ability with things that she needs help with. The balance between being a boyfriend and being overinvolved is hard, and its a fine line between the two-but with Jessie it's easy for me to see when she needs me to help and when she needs me to stand by and watch just in case something happens. Just to be there for support is something that seems to come naturally to both of us-because she doesn't even come close to smothering me either.
Even though I'm going to miss the way things are and have been, locations, people etc. The future looks bright and is exciting. It's not going to be a perfectly paved, smooth road but I really do feel like I can handle whatever comes at me, healthwise or other and there isn't a damn thing that can stop me from making my dreams a reality.
On a lighter note, my car lighting project continues to move along nicely. I thought it would be a one shot project but I should know better. I'm waiting on having the time to drive out and get a switch to power everything. My origional problems of finding a place to supply power to my lights is gone, I found an open fuse socket that has plenty of 12V power coming out of it, the only problem is it is not tied in with the ignition so the power is continuous hence putting a switch in. I either have to go to Grainger-if it's open to the public-or out to Desplaines/Mount Prospect to get a switch that will work and not look like I put a household switch in my car. Wednesday is when I plan on doing all this searching for a switch, and hopefully Wednesday night, when I get home from Jessie's, I will have this project all tied up and working like a champ :) Pictures of exactly what I did are below with descriptions.
After taking the door pannel off on both the driver's side and passanger's side, I used a drill bit that was slightly bigger than my LED to drill a hole through the top of the speaker well in a place that would give me enough room to bend the LED through the hole and anchor the mini circuit board the LED is tied in to.
I used simple electrical tape to anchor the board in place. I designed this entire system to be able to come out if I need to take my car in for repair-that way I don't void my warranty.
This is the anchor for my speaker which is the perfect ground for my LED. It's the only unpainted area of the door within reach of my light so:
I simply electrical taped the ground to the speaker anchor. It took a little more tape than I thought to get a good ground.I then wired my lead from my LED to my lead wire I ran earlier. This is the result:
In the back I ran into a major problem. Instead of just a massive bunch of wire going out of the body and in to the door, there are plugs to get the electrical conncetions through the body and in to the wiring in the doors. My solution was to run the wire in the back but instead of into the doors I simply ran it under the rear seats. After mouting the LED to one of the anchors for the driver and passanger seats, grounding the LEDS to an unpainted area of the frame (underneath the snap on garnish piece to hide all the components) and wiring the lead into my power wire I ran, here is the result in the back:
So I'm now waiting on getting my switch which will most likely happen on Wednesday on our way up to the Botanic Gardens for our picnic unless I can persuade my brother to take a ride with me after breakfast with my Godmother on Tuesday. I also have a fuse box that I am going to wire in to the system that way if there is a problem I will know exactly which leg has the problem instead of having to pull it all out and start from scratch. LED's don't draw that much power but you never know.
Once I have it all together I'll post more pictures on how I wired in the switch, fuses etc and the final take on the project.
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